18 Going On 25

I feel like a lot of people, mostly a lot of my friends, only want me when they need something, are dealing with a problem, or have nothing else to do. They say that this should make you feel flattered that these people come to you in time of need, but I'm feeling the farthest from that. Have I become distant with people? I feel like I don't have friends anymore. Even though I know I have a bunch of people who I know I can go to, I'm questioning which ones actually care about me. I have a lot of friends, just not a lot of really close ones. And recently just lost one of those. No one holds my hand and tells me everything is going to be alright or all work out anymore. No one tells me that I'm not a screw up anymore. It's not that I need compliments to feel better about myself or make my life go on, it's that when the few of you said them, I believed them. And now I'm struggling to believe anything. Actually, I'm struggling to feel anything at all.

I just need a lot of prayer. A lot. I can't give specifics because I myself don't even know how to pray for myself. I know what I need and want I just can't put all of that into words. I'm still feeling ashamed for my sin, which is probably the number one thing holding me back from growing closer to God and seeking him.

In just this short period of time, I think I've changed. I'm not dramatic or childish. I think very hard before I speak. I'm quieter and have been caring not one bit about others' opinions of myself. Obviously I'm not myself but maybe I'm turning into a "better" me- I guess time will tell. I'm not going to admit that I'm sad all the time, which I think I strangely just did, but this isn't me. I feel hopelessly lost. I'm lonely and confused. There's a hole in my heart that I want to be filled with Jesus but it hasn't been yet. It was filled with something else for so long that filling it again may take time. When the best part of me was always someone else and that someone else is gone, I'm not sure how to be the real me anymore.