Vingt

It's been 20 days. 20 days that feel like 20 weeks. And now, I have to stare at your Christmas present until I decide to throw it away or give it to you a year that we are actually talking.

At first I thought your sub-tweets were a little much but I mean I was sub-tweeting just as much. Now when I see them it gives me a sigh of relief. That you're still alive. And that you haven't totally forgotten about me and this situation. However, there are still those moments where I get a pain in my stomach because I see you happy. I'm not expecting you to condemn yourself to your house and no friends for the rest of your life but when I see you happy it makes me sad. I wish I could be happy. I'm angry because I can't make you happy anymore- and I'm starting to question if I even did in the first place.

I'm not really sure what the point of not talking is. You clearly are still subjecting yourself to temptations. So the reasons you told me were false. I'm astounded as to how you can do this to me. The emotions I have written in these posts don't even come close to the amount of hurt I'm feeling. The ONLY one who is facing consequences here, is me. You have everything right in front of you- including people giving you pity. You've left me with nothing. I have no one to go to, and no one I really want to go to anymore. I don't care about my reputation so in a way I do hope everyone finds out about this. There's nothing that I can do that will make you come back, or like me, or be my friend again. I've done all of it already. I failed and wasn't good enough.

I know that you're trying to keep my around for when your plan A fails. I don't want to be a second option but you've made me feel like one. This is seriously all up to you. YOU get to decide when we talk again and YOU get to decide if we're friends again. It makes me sick. Soon you'll realize, (if you haven't already) that you don't need me as a friend anymore, then it will turn into you not wanting me anymore, and finally turning into you forgetting all about me. It's not fair that I have to wait around for you. Especially because the weight of this is mostly on you. I've given you grace for a long time and have seen minimal change. Although I have faith, I don't see how this time of giving you grace will be any different than the last. You say you're willing to change but NO one sees any gestures toward making those changes reality.
Maybe you should listen to someone other than yourself for a change.