Breakeven

I've been staring at my computer screen for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words. I feel like I have nothing left to say but at the same time I feel like I haven't said enough. It's becoming harder and harder to write this out. The next logical thing to do would probably be to stop writing. I can't. Writing helps me and it feels like the right thing to do for now. Even though we're not communicating I am pretty sure that I have said almost everything that I would say to your face if I could, here in my last few posts.

It's been 12 days. That's it. Most of the time I am trying to keep myself busy but even in those busy times there's still those moments where I pause to think of you. Those moments kill me, because I know that you don't have those moments where you think of me. I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me. I mean I have always thought there was, especially in this situation. And if any of you readers come to me and try to give me compliments and try and change my mind that there isn't something wrong with me, I can already tell you it's not going to work. If you wanted me, you would have me. I'm not sure why I never questioned all of this being done in secret. I wish you were proud of me and wanted to show me off to your friends, and weren't ashamed of being seen with me. No matter what you say or have said, you have always cared about what other people thought of you and especially us. I guess I got caught up in it all and was put under your "spell" since I didn't see any of that until recently. Whenever I tell my mom that I wish I hated you right now, she goes, "Wow.. he's still got his hooks dug so deep in you".

There's a song by The Script called, 'Breakeven' and the line that is standing out to me like a flashing light is,
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
and what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?"

^^^^^^^ Story of my life. It half hurts and half disgusts me- the 'okay' part, that is.

I haven't changed my thoughts yet, I think I'm still 50/50 when I say I hope you read this / never ever see it. Maybe someday I'll ask you if you have ever read it and maybe I'll even show it to you. But that would mean we would be talking again and I think I'm just getting ahead of myself, because as far as I am concerned you could care less if we ever talked again.
Think about it, if your best friend never wanted to talk to you again, how would you feel? And on top of that, questioning if they were even really your friend at all?

Mind blowing.