Anger

I have been silent from the posts for bit now because I am angry beyond all compare. The one person who I thought I could trust most and who I thought had my back threw me under the bus. In a big way. There is no way to undo what you have done and the pain you have caused me. I'm not going to lie that I'm fine, over you, and forgiving of what you have done. I think it's perfectly acceptable to not be at that point yet. It's going to be a while. What I cannot fathom is how you are living life as if none of this is real. You're afraid to reveal your sin to others for the fear of man. It KILLS me to see you having an awesome time with your friends because I am banishing myself for this sin. I do not feel like I deserve to be happy or having fun having the sin on me that I do. This sin is going to be very difficult for me to accept that Christ has cleansed me of.

Everyone on this planet knows that you're emotionless and that whatever you are doing, which is nothing, isn't helping. I can't believe I cried over you and felt sorry for you. I regret standing up for you and having your back all of the times I did. The using me part was one thing, but lying to a detective about an incident and throwing me under the bus is crossing the line. You will never feel the pain I've felt or know the extent to which you hurt me. You took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable and what you did is unacceptable.

I'm unsure as to why it has taken me this long to see that you have only done things for yourself and to serve yourself. I'm not sure I even believe that you ever cared about me. Everyone always feels bad for you and now I've had enough of it. It's time to man up and admit your mistake. I can already tell that you don't have a clue about how wrong this was and how wrong you're handling it. I am at a loss for words. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, that the person I knew put on a front for me and all I saw was the first layer. I refrain from calling your image 'fake' because that word is very hurtful. However, I never ever thought that all of this would happen, especially from you.
A close friend said, "It's become very clear to me and everyone else that he doesn't care about you and is keeping you around for when his plan doesn't work out." Very hard words to hear, However, it's what I needed to hear.

But here I am not hating you and still hoping to be friends in the future. And promising that I will always love you. I've never felt good enough for you and your actions have proved it. Maybe it's time that I listen to the wisdom of my friends and have some faith in myself, but more importantly have some faith in God to bring me out of this and into the person that I'm supposed to be; not the person I was with you. I'm trying so hard to find my way back but I keep thinking about you. Everything is about you, and I can't make it stop. The thing that kills me the most is that I can already feel you forgetting me. By the kind of friendship we had this shouldn't be the case.

This is me trying to change. To believe it other must see it. I have had boundless amounts of grace for you for 5 years. If in 5 years you're still the same person then this was all a lie and I once again give you pity. Please prove me wrong.