Heads up readers (pretending people actually are reading any of this): With classes beginning again, college is consuming about 90% of my time now... so obviously my posts are going to be less frequent.
Before I sat down to write this post I laid in my bed in the darkness with the only sound being a ticking clock which coincidentally matched the pulse of my pounding headache. I'll probably be saying this for a while longer and I know I've said it before; I don't know how to be happy. I might be fine, but I'm not 'okay' at all. I think I've gotten better at hiding my feelings so people actually think I'm okay- which is probably really bad. But who even cares, right?
I feel like my whole world was just flipped upside down- probably because it was (I try to fool myself into thinking it wasn't) I think I'm still trying to figure out how to flip it back. There are so many memories that are constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of them; and I don't want to. I remember the good and the bad which can be a messy thing. Thankfully these memories are still vivid because if I ever get to the point where it feels like you were never here, let's just say, I will half laugh but also be worse than I am now.
I've tried to think positively about 2013, tried re-arranging my room, even painting it, to try and make it as close to a fresh start as possible but nothing is working. I'm still the same sad pathetic me I've always been.
I really don't know how you do it but you did it. You've gotten people to pity you and stay on your side, it's amazing really. Here's me applauding you- congratulations.
I just hope you're not finding pleasure and satisfaction in seeing me suffer and post things like this as well as sappy tweets that make it clear I'm distraught. Not that you can even blame me for being this way... but If you are, then you're even more of a coward than you were before.
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