Cry, Pray, Cry, Repeat?

I've been told a lot that I read into things too much and need to say what I feel instead of hiding my emotions. I'll admit I'm a crier, at movies, deaths, happy times, whatever. However, I try my hardest not to cry in front of others- it hasn't really been working so well. So here's my attempt at saying what I feel.

There are a ton of emotions I'm feeling now that continue on to the next day. I'm feeling hurt, sad, lonely, confused, misunderstood, angry, lost, and betrayed all at the same time. Notice how happy isn't one of them. Now, there are probably two kinds of people reading this post, the kind that think I'm being totally dramatic and exaggerating far too much, and the people who can relate and are understanding of my feelings. I don't care what you feel reading this. This is the one place where I don't have to hide anything or be afraid to write out how I'm feeling. There's no one telling me I'm wrong. Those of you who are reading this and are close with me might be seeing a different side of me and that's fine too. This is all these posts are- my emotions, and sadness and confusion. That and a place to be myself.

Now I begin to wonder why 'myself' wasn't "good enough" to be more and even just your friend. I put that in quotes because some of you might roll your eyes at that and tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just not sure what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong. I hate the emotions I'm feeling. I hate that I'm the only one feeling this way and that I don't know how to be happy. Life hasn't changed for you. And mine has, and I find that absurd.

I'm not sure where to go from here. What is the next step? Cry, pray, cry some more, and repeat? I don't want to forget about all of this. And even more so I don't want to be forgotten. I tried so hard to be unforgettable but it seems I didn't try hard enough. It's not right that I am being forced to sit here and wait for the day you tell yourself, "I think I'm okay now, I think Abby and I can talk again, let me give her a call." But of course you wouldn't call because you hate talking on the phone. I don't want to sit around and wait for that. I'm not saying I don't have faith in you, I'm saying you've made it very hard for me to believe you're going to change. Which is why your reasons for leaving, are bull.


It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.