It's Virus Season

So, I took my laptop to Widener's ITS department because I couldn't connect to the internet and thought I'd have my laptop back by the end of the day, I thought wrong. It's been 6 days. ITS told me I have a massive virus on my computer and they're almost ready to wipe my hard drive... yay! (sarcasm) So you will have to excuse my absence from posting.

It has definitely been an interesting week though. Actually, it's been an interesting two months. And by interesting I mean the worst two months of my life. Explaining all of this to you would take forever so I'll give you the low-down.
It's no secret my family is crazy... And now I'm starting to question what that word means anymore, "family". My mom broke my bookshelf and everything on it by shoving it to the ground and my Grand-mom, she's made me start a countdown to when I can move out. The past two days have been like hell. I'm confused as to what people's definition's of the word "family" are because I think mine is a joke. My house is full of lies and secrets behind people's backs. And I know, I know, we all sin in out own special ways but this has gotten out of hand. My house has heard far too many curse words and yelling. Today especially was a reminder that nothing is safe or private since Facebook's were broken into and old messages were read and brought up...

I feel trapped. I've been torn between living at school next year or staying at home and commuting, I know can firmly say, I need to get out. Whether it be at Widener or halfway across the country. Since I'm not wanted, there's really no reason for me to stay anymore.

In the moments when I needed my friends the most, none of them were there. It wasn't their faults, they were busy with work and school and jobs but I couldn't help think of the one person who would of been there for me if they could have been. And I know for a fact they would have been there for me in an instant. Problem is, they're not here anymore. And as much as it feels like I'm stabbing myself to say this, it's not likely they will return. Since their life has moved on and I've been forgotten.

Au demain.

The Silence Reminds Me of How Alone I Really Am

Heads up readers (pretending people actually are reading any of this): With classes beginning again, college is consuming about 90% of my time now... so obviously my posts are going to be less frequent.

Before I sat down to write this post I laid in my bed in the darkness with the only sound being a ticking clock which coincidentally matched the pulse of my pounding headache. I'll probably be saying this for a while longer and I know I've said it before; I don't know how to be happy. I might be fine, but I'm not 'okay' at all. I think I've gotten better at hiding my feelings so people actually think I'm okay- which is probably really bad. But who even cares, right?

I feel like my whole world was just flipped upside down- probably because it was (I try to fool myself into thinking it wasn't) I think I'm still trying to figure out how to flip it back. There are so many memories that are constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of them; and I don't want to. I remember the good and the bad which can be a messy thing. Thankfully these memories are still vivid because if I ever get to the point where it feels like you were never here, let's just say, I will half laugh but also be worse than I am now.
I've tried to think positively about 2013, tried re-arranging my room, even painting it, to try and make it as close to a fresh start as possible but nothing is working. I'm still the same sad pathetic me I've always been.

I really don't know how you do it but you did it. You've gotten people to pity you and stay on your side, it's amazing really. Here's me applauding you- congratulations.
I just hope you're not finding pleasure and satisfaction in seeing me suffer and post things like this as well as sappy tweets that make it clear I'm distraught. Not that you can even blame me for being this way... but If you are, then you're even more of a coward than you were before.

I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

And so tonight is where I'm lying in my bed staring at the ceiling for far too many minutes thinking over the harsh words that were thrown at me. Also thinking about life, the future, the past, and over thinking. Yet still tears run down my face like raindrops sliding down a window. The teardrops somehow glisten- probably because I sleep under a window and the moonlight shines in. It's quiet, dark, and cold. The silence reminds me that I'm alone and there's nothing I can do to change that. The darkness hides my red eyes from lack of sleep, and the cold makes my arm hairs stick up and give me goosebumps.
The clock has barely passed 2am and I can't find a way to make my eyes shut. My brain is wide awake but my eyes are tired and wet- you'd think they'd be dry by now, but they're not. Time is not my friend right now. But apparently it's the only solution. Not sure if I fully agree with that though, but I have no say in this what-so-ever so what does my opinion or thoughts matter anyways?

I was with someone who never made me think I wasn't good enough but ended up telling me that I wasn't, yet I was with someone else who told me I was good enough but I was never able to believe it. And I especially don't believe it now- can you blame me?

There is so much more I could write here and I have typed and deleted so many sentences that I don't even know what else to say. If I did write anything else out you would all be frustrated and confused. So I'll spare you.

p.s- It's no secret I miss you, so don't sit there contemplating whether I do or not because you should know dang well that I do without even saying it.

My Deepest Thinking Happens In the Shower

A post about something other than my depressing situation and big sin?! GASP! It can't be! Well believe it people, but I should warn you that I am going to jump around a lot, probably hit several random topics, make some grammar/spelling errors, complaints, and make awkward phrases because I'm not peer-editing this post- fair warning.

Classes at Widener start Monday and I'm not even registered... I am basically forced to go there for the rest of this school year because I was lazy and didn't apply anywhere else for spring semester. My number one was West Chester University but now, I'm starting to have second thoughts... And this is big because I was borderline obsessed with their school and told myself I would do whatever it took to get in. Obviously that failed. Now, I don't know what I want. I think I'm finally come to the realization that I can't live at college, I have to work while in school. Sure you can get a job on campus but I have a great job now that will look great on a med school application. I need a sign or something or someone to tell me what to do, give me advice, guidance, anything!
I wish college didn't cost so much... My dilemma would be SO much easier to deal with. I also wish I could re-do my college applications, where I applied, how many I applied to, scholarships, and all that good stuff. I had no idea what I was doing, had it set in my mind that I was getting into my #1 school (which I obviously didn't)and applied WAY too late. Sadly, most wishes don't come true and time travel is not real.

It's a year of sacrifices as well. One of my new years resolutions is to reach out to people more and serve more. However, I had to decline an offer to serve at my church to avoid awkwardness with someone, because I know how much this area means to a certain someone. There's always next time...

I recently signed up for Explore at my church also. I think it's time and I've been waiting a long time for that feeling. It finally feels right.

My Aunt has been having a lot of stomach pains lately and we've all been joking that she's pregnant, haha, but she's definitely not. And now she's in the hospital and it is pretty serious. (more stress!)

I still don't have my license... enough said.

Today marked the 4th time I have tried to run outside on the streets by myself. And yet, I couldn't make it out the door. Fear lingers. Most of you can guess why this is. My mom thinks it's completely reasonable and she understands but I think she's just saying that to make me feel better. I however think I'm a wuss. I know I'm strong and I have a big God with me all the time yet I still can't make it out the door and take the first few steps. Loser status.
And I refuse to see a counselor so don't try and talk me into it...

I warned you this post was random, full of complaints, stress, and awkward topics.
Bottom line is, I need prayer. A lot of it and I'd really appreciate it if you could for me. And I need to trust that God works all things together for good, because it's been proven that he does and has.

Did I really just quote Bob Marley?

"You say you love rain, but you use and umbrella to walk under it.
You say you love sun, but you seek shade when it's shining.
You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your window.
So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me." correction: loved me.

Cry, Pray, Cry, Repeat?

I've been told a lot that I read into things too much and need to say what I feel instead of hiding my emotions. I'll admit I'm a crier, at movies, deaths, happy times, whatever. However, I try my hardest not to cry in front of others- it hasn't really been working so well. So here's my attempt at saying what I feel.

There are a ton of emotions I'm feeling now that continue on to the next day. I'm feeling hurt, sad, lonely, confused, misunderstood, angry, lost, and betrayed all at the same time. Notice how happy isn't one of them. Now, there are probably two kinds of people reading this post, the kind that think I'm being totally dramatic and exaggerating far too much, and the people who can relate and are understanding of my feelings. I don't care what you feel reading this. This is the one place where I don't have to hide anything or be afraid to write out how I'm feeling. There's no one telling me I'm wrong. Those of you who are reading this and are close with me might be seeing a different side of me and that's fine too. This is all these posts are- my emotions, and sadness and confusion. That and a place to be myself.

Now I begin to wonder why 'myself' wasn't "good enough" to be more and even just your friend. I put that in quotes because some of you might roll your eyes at that and tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just not sure what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong. I hate the emotions I'm feeling. I hate that I'm the only one feeling this way and that I don't know how to be happy. Life hasn't changed for you. And mine has, and I find that absurd.

I'm not sure where to go from here. What is the next step? Cry, pray, cry some more, and repeat? I don't want to forget about all of this. And even more so I don't want to be forgotten. I tried so hard to be unforgettable but it seems I didn't try hard enough. It's not right that I am being forced to sit here and wait for the day you tell yourself, "I think I'm okay now, I think Abby and I can talk again, let me give her a call." But of course you wouldn't call because you hate talking on the phone. I don't want to sit around and wait for that. I'm not saying I don't have faith in you, I'm saying you've made it very hard for me to believe you're going to change. Which is why your reasons for leaving, are bull.


It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

Bonne Annee

I find myself alone a lot. Sometimes the silence scares me, sometimes it reminds me that I lost my best friend, and other times it makes me cry. I'm going to be a coward and not admit that I absolutely hate it. I had somewhat gotten used to being alone because I always had someone to re-assure me that everything would be okay, that being alone is what made me strong. And now, it seems like that was all a lie. I cry like a baby, I spend way too much time sleeping and being lazy. I don't feel like I have any friends. I wish for far too many things to happen that don't come true. And I have very little hope for 2013. 2012 had its ups and downs and to name a few,
I...

- became legal, 18!
- graduated High School
- got kissed at midnight on my birthday
- went to Haiti, which changed my life
- got my permit, finally
- made a big mistake
- started college
- found a great job
- completed a half-marathon
- And lost a dear friend

There are of course dozens more but these are the best. To tell you the truth, until the end, 2012 was an awesome year. I am trying to be hopeful for 2013 but since everything is dark and depressing, I can't make any promises. However, this year I am hoping to complete another half-marathon in April, complete my first year of college, complete the Tough Mudder, grow the courage to contact my biological Father, and well most of you know the last one. There are some things I wish I could have done differently in 2012 but who isn't wishing that? I don't want to forget what happened in 2012- my sin reminds me of how much I need Jesus and how much I screwed up. I wish things were different and I still had some people in my life who have walked out, but I'm starting to think they don't want me anymore and maybe didn't want me in the first place. It breaks my heart but the truth hurts. Of course I'm making assumptions on that, but can you blame me?

It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. And I don't want to either. I can say with certainty that I couldn't even if I tried.




P.S- Don't worry, New Year's Eve wedding's are overrated.