Deux

I'm
Too paranoid.
Too forgettable.
Too worried.
Too big.
Too small.
Too lost.
Too tired.
Too dumb.
Too annoying.
Too anxious.
Too slow.
Too lonely.
Too replaceable.

Ouvert ou Fermé

There's still a hole in my chest, although I can't decide if it's my heart that is missing or my soul. Most of the time I think it's my heart because I don't let anyone get close enough to it to feel it beat, and then other times I am certain it is there because it aches so badly that I'm afraid it might stop working. Sometimes it feels like it has a bandage on it that is constantly being ripped off and placed back on, and other times it's a big open wound.

This semester has put me over the edge and I am maxed out on stress. I'd like to think I am getting sleep but most of the time I lie awake with my eyes unable to close and my mind unable to prove that I am worth something.
The clock mocks me throughout all of this and yet I'm still unable to care or provide myself with good reasoning that I need to stand up for myself. I look at how much everyone wants us to love ourselves but laugh at how impossible that is when we're told we're not good enough. It's exhausting.

Maybe I Am Doing it All Wrong

I wasn't sure where I belonged when I was in PA. I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't fit in there and it was time to move on. Literally. Now, in my new home, I'm not sure I fit in here either. Most of the people are friendly and welcoming but I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm over-thinking it, but maybe it's that I don't fit in here either.

I'm worried about the upcoming years- succeeding, college, medical school (hopefully), where I'm going to live, where I'm going to go to school, how to pay for school, how to get in to medical school, how to pay for it...

I need someone to tell me that it's all going to work out and that it is normal for me to be worried and stressed out about these kinds of things. I need someone to tell me that they will love me even when everything falls apart, and I need to hear that someone has my back, because right now, it feels as if I'm in an ocean full of people who seem to know where they're swimming to and I'm only treading water, watching as they swim away.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking- I'm just another one of those basic, confused, indecisive college students who will figure it out eventually. But I'm not and I don't know how to figure it out and I know I definitely don't have much time to.

Libérer

I wish I could go back and do things differently. I would know the right things to say, I would know the right things to do, and I would try my best to make you laugh more. I feel like I'm on a boat slowly drifting out to sea. Even though, I have a paddle, it's like I forgot how to use it- so I keep drifting. And all I want to do is close my eyes until I'm back to shore and things are okay again. I would try to argue less and have some confidence in myself. I would be slower to speak and smile more. I wouldn't give up so easily or hide my emotions when I was upset. As I'm sailing out to sea I feel my emotions slowly slipping away from me and disappearing into the sky as I stare up at the clouds. Although there isn't a storm brewing at this second, I see rain clouds all around me. But I don't care because even though I'm trapped in a vast, dark ocean... I feel free.

This Post Sucks

I keep trying to prove that I'm worth something, and maybe you hope I am, yet here I am again- afraid that I'm not. 

Some days I feel strong and capable and like I could someday amount to something, but other days I want to drive into a wall. And sometimes I'm afraid I almost will.

I usually have expectations about most things because I like to set goals. However, I see how completely and utterly useless they are to have. I picture out scenarios in my head and wishfully think about the best case that could happen. Yet, I see nothing of what I pictured or imagined and am stuck in a rut of thinking about what lies ahead. I see the beauty in not knowing what lies ahead, I do. And it's not that I'm worried about it, I just fear that whatever does lie ahead doesn't consume me. 

If it doesn't then maybe it was all worth it and I can pat myself on that back., but if it does, then I won't be surprised. I usually find a way to screw things up and know I will continue to do so. Whatever lies ahead has a big chance of getting screwed up by yours truly, so heed my warning and be not surprised- I make no promises.

I never thought I would find a One Direction song that I actually enjoyed. But alas, here it is...

"I hope it feels like only one minute when you're gone..."

 Here they are, my minions.

One Down

Christmas break has been sweet, literally! Aside from the dozens of Christmas cookies I have inhaled and countless candies that were in my stocking, it has been really nice to see my PA family and friends. Living in Dallas has given me more freedom and independence than I know what to do with. I finished the semester with three A's and one B with a GPA of 3.8. It was really important to me to do well this semester. I promised myself that I would prove to my doubters that I was capable. And I did it. I would have been upset with myself if I didn't make good grades though. Living in a new city knowing very few people gave me exactly what I needed to have massive amounts of time to devote to my studies. I praise God for that and for giving me the courage and strength I so desperately needed for my move.

They say that "Everything is bigger in Texas" and in a way I see some truth in that. The roads are huge, the houses are huge, the lawns are huge, and many people have a huge love for Christ. I feel very lucky to be in a community where the love of Christ between one another is constantly around me. I have been attending a church called, Watermark, which has 10,000 attendee's and a sanctuary with an atmosphere that makes me feel like I am at a concert every time we have worship.

I knew that my heart was occupied with someone other than Christ and the Lord was asking me to give it up. I now see in a new city with very few people that Christ is all I need. Letting go of my best friend was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It sucked. And at times still does suck, but my heart finds joy and happiness without him and my heart sings that Christ is enough. My loneliness is not dependent on how many people I have by my side but how many times I realize that God is by MY side- which is all day everyday. 

Redeeming Love- Francine Rivers

This book changed my life.

B-E-A-U-TIFUL

Heard at The Village Church

Other than her voice being flawless, this song is simply beautiful.

If you were to leave, Fulfill someone else's dreams, I think I might totally be lost

19 Days

I Hope I Haven't Heard the Last Words From the Holy Ghost

Je m'appelle Abby got a new look today, now if only I could get myself one. You may think it's naive for me to say this, but I think I have really grown up a lot over the past few months. I definitely have learned a great deal, mostly about other people, not so much myself. I learned to admit that my mom is my best friend and I would be nothing without her. I also learned to stop trusting people so easily. The more people I see try and speak into my life the more I question whether they actually care or if they're mainly just curious. A lot has changed, that's for sure. I spend my days working long hours like a full-time job, my evenings alone with my computer, and my nights wide awake while I let my thoughts consume me. Sometimes the silence is nice, sometimes it's lonely. You would think that I would be pretty used to it by now but it still hurts and the pain somehow still finds its way through my veins. Some people theorize that humans have a switch for their emotions. Turn it on and the pain, sorrow, happiness, and joy is all there. Turn it off and we become mute and immune to anything and everything. Although my 'switch' is very much turned on, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if my switch were turned off. Maybe I would start to act like the one person who fuels my pain and adverts his eyes away at any sight of hurting me more. And when I think of this thought... I thank God that my switch is on.

You Know What They Say About Hope? It Breeds Eternal Misery

I Wish You Would Have Stayed For All the Things We Did Right Instead of Leaving For the One Thing We Did Wrong

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't been. I think about posting and type out little blurbs of ideas but never get around to meshing it all together and posting. Most of the time it's either 2am or 3am when I get to sleep and by that time all I want to do is sleep. Speaking of sleep... I think I have officially diagnosed myself as an insomniac. Just kidding, but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere close to it. I'm not sure when my mind became so wander-y but it doesn't seem to want to let me rest.

I guess I'm not really sure how to explain how I've been doing the last couple of weeks either. I went to visit my family in Texas for a week and it was an incredibly nice break and a huge blessing. The trip gave me a new perspective and ideas for a new adventure which I'll share a little bit later on. I guess I have realized that happiness is a mood rather than a destination. I would be lying if I said I haven't been happy at times in the last few months, I definitely have been, but I don't really see any change in myself as far as picking myself up off the ground goes.

I still feel incredibly and hopelessly lost. Like everyone else is moving and I'm standing still unsure of where to go next. I feel as if my life has almost stopped and everyone else's is moving on forward. I have prayed more times than I could possibly count for God to reveal his plan through this...mess, but so far I've come up empty handed. Empty is kinda my word of the (day) last few months. Maybe I have become emotionless or maybe I have stopped treading water and sunk to the bottom. Whatever it may be, I know that it's not where I want to be.
Where do I want to be, you might ask? Well that's easy, you should all be able to guess the answer to that one.

Collapsible Lung

Have you ever rehearsed something in your head almost a million times and it still doesn't sound or feel right? Has it ever been something as simple as, "Hi" or "Hey"? Maybe I second guess myself too much and maybe your sitting there reading this and thinking to yourself, "Is this girl serious?". No matter how many times I rehearse in my head and even out loud, nothing flows.

This can just be one more thing I screw up and I bet none of you reading this are even remotely surprised by that prediction.

Guess What?

I think it's time I let you in on a little secret. I didn't get a single A in a class this semester. Two B's. One in French, which is understandable, the other in English, which I didn't submit the final in, oops. The other grades? I failed Biology, and got a D in Chemistry. Safe to say, this was my worst semester. So to all the people who told me to take the semester off in mid December.... You were right.

Did you know I got an A or better in almost every single class in High School? I like science. And I'm going to be a Doctor. The problem is, I don't have a single professor on my side or one who believes in me and that I can come back from this. I let my cumulative GPA fall below a 3.0 this semester and now I have a meeting with my advisor and the chair of the Biology department tomorrow. Hope I don't get kicked out? You see the thing is, I don't really care if I do. I'm tired of having to explain what I went through and am still going through which is causing me to struggle academically to get people to believe in me.

I used to have someone who did, one person, or who I thought did. Now, I'm not so sure. But he's gone now. And so is everyone else. I don't want to sound needy or like an attention seeker because I'm not. I already know I suck at life and being a girl. It's nothing new. It was just nice to have someone believe in me and be there for me no matter what. I guess that's kind of counter-intuitive because you're not here, so "no matter what" was just a phrase to be spoken.

So you can probably guess that things suck. And they have for a while. To everyone hoping that this all blows over and I am back to my normal me, it's not going to happen. And it's not helping just sitting back wishing this was just a dream.
Because trust me, I wish that too.  

There's A Box of Your Things At My Place

I miss feeling wanted and feeling like my company was wanted. I miss laughing almost all the time and having someone tell me how much they love when I smile. I miss the security of knowing that no matter what time or place you always had my back. I miss how free I used to feel. I miss having someone believe in me but also challenge me at the same time. I miss the happiness that my life used to be filled with because right now it's full of sorrow and guilt. I miss not being judged and having someone I know that will keep my secrets. I miss the words you would speak to calm me down and realize that things are okay. I miss my person.

I miss the feeling when you're wrapped up in someone's arms and it feels like the safest place in the world, like you don't need to worry and no one can touch you.

Most of all, I miss the memories we made and share(d). Because I will always carry them with me, but for both of our sake's, I hope the unbearable ones leave soon.

After reading over these there is so much more that I could add, so much more that it makes this hurt that much more. But then I think to myself, how can I miss any of these things if none of them were real? You don't need to pretend anymore that our friendship was real and that the only the rest was fake. I think it's time I stop pretending that I was good enough and realize that I will never be the right type of friend for you. And I know there is nothing I can or could have done to change this.

The hole in my chest grows bigger every day even though I'm begging for it to close up. I can't believe the realization of what I've just written hasn't sunk in yet, for whatever reason that is, I hope it's a good one because this kind of pain and feeling of hurt and betrayal is making my heart and soul weary. I have felt a lot of emotions and been burned many times in my 19 years, but none of those times can compare to this time. No, this time is much worse.

Explicit