Curiosity is Killer

I hate everything. Not one single person understands what I'm dealing with.

I'm done trying to figure this out. I'm done trying to reconcile with someone who will never care about me as much as I care(d) about them.

I'm sick of the lies and the bull that everyone seems to be feeding me. It's honestly pathetic how many people I have here for me. Of course I'm going to look at myself for why this is the case, who wouldnt? I need everyone to stop pointing out the good things in me and start telling my why I continue to fail at everything and anything. I'm sick of people acting so fake and pretending they care when they only ask how I'm doing to make conversation.

The feelings I have don't matter, the problems I'm dealing with don't matter, and neither does the emptiness I'm feeling. I'm not sure why it has taken me this long to realize that.

Regardless of any of this, none of you actually care about me or this situation, you're all just curious.

Whatever

I figure if you want to talk to me you will. I'm done trying to be the one who wears the pants in this relationship. I don't want to be the one that always fixes everything. I feel like I'm putting all of the effort in while you're getting a free pass. I have wanted to ask you numerous times about your trip and life and random things but have stopped myself because I know I would be feeding into what you want. I'm done being the mediator and the pathetic desperate little girl that I once was. I'm tired of being a pushover and trying so hard to make things perfect. I'm tired of trying to BE perfect because I know I'm hardly that. Most of all, I'm tired of letting people get so close to me just to crush me in an instant.
Oh, and also, I'm sick and tired of writing these posts because I know they won't change anything or even shake anything inside of you. I used to mean so much to you and now it's like I mean nothing at all.

Cut All of The Ropes and Let Me Fall

I've had many trials and hurdles in my life and usually I am surrounded with people who do a very good job of getting me through it. So why should this hurdle be any different? The word "hurdle" might be an understatement but even still,I should have people to go to. I'm sick of no one knowing the answers to my questions or not knowning what to say to my thoughts and concerns. I'm tired of being alone and treading water in the deep end with no one to talk to. Sure I'm no different than I was before and yeah everyone knows I'm not ok, but that shouldn't excuse people from coming to my side.

I'm so completely lost and confused with the way people show care that it makes me want to run away. I'm annoyed at how I'm the one who was chewed up and spit out yet, the one who spit me out is getting more care than me. The last thing that I need is attention and anyone who knows me would agree. I don't need or even want people feeling sorry for me, I don't want people acting sad around me just because of how I'm feeling, and I sure as heck don't want people thinking that I'm fine.

I'm to the point now where I realize people don't care anymore and I know you're all sick of hearing me complain and express my feelings about all of this, I get it. But throughout all of this, I can't help but laugh at the lack of people I have. And maybe that makes me sound pathetic or desperate and so be it, because I don't really care anyway.

The amount of flack I've been given about giving a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it, is unbelievable. I mean I knew I was going to hear alllllllll about it but I never imagined the opinions would be this loud. I have so many people telling me that this is a bad idea and they don't want to see me hurt again and that I am being stupid. And then their "advice" stops there. Half my friends hate the idea and are sick of me talking about it, the other half are non-existant. My brain is ready to explode from the amount of "this is a bad idea" being thrown into it. I have all of these ideas and opinions and thoughts in my head and then I have my heart. And in my heart I still feel it beating. My heart likes to give second chances and knows how to take a punch. And in my heart I have memories that seem to keep shining through. Actually, I shouldn't even say that because all there is right now, is a giant hole where my heart used to be. I guess you could say that I'm trying to get it back, which will be very, very, hard since I know, deep down that I will never fully get back all of its pieces.

Sleepless in Seattle

Most nights I can't fall asleep. The reason for my insomnia is probably for two reasons. First, what the past 10 posts have been about on here... and second, my crazy encounter that most people can't seem to believe. I still get nightmares. I can't count the amount of times I've said, "I'm not afraid anymore" because it's far too much. You may not think partaking in Wii boxing would be effective, but I've grown into a wicked right hook. Laugh all you want. Although I don't go anywhere without anyone anymore, except on campus, which is in Chester so I should feel even more unsafe, I'm still finding myself looking over my shoulder and clenching my fists. I don't like to talk about it, and frankly, if you ask me about it, I'll probably say, "I'm fine" and try and act like a badass who has recovered from this. Truth is, I haven't. I've tried to write blog posts about it but end up deleting all of it when I'm barely halfway through a paragraph.

It's made for some pretty sleepless and restless nights. I'm hoping that one day, hopefully soon, I can write a post where I can honestly say that I'm not afraid anymore.