scared and afraid, so sue me.

I'm trying to figure out why I can't come out and straight up ask you. Of course I'm afraid but I would think that after 6 months of talking I would at least ask. That's because my confidence was shattered when I tried. And it sucks, because you've continued on and made me believe this was something it's not. Or maybe it is. I can't tell anymore.

Of course I want to know but I know you're not going to give me that unless I ask.

I have one group of people telling me to move on. It's not that simple.

And the other half telling me to flat out ask you, keep talking, or hint at it.

Honestly I don't know what to do, my brain isn't saying anything and my heart is a little beat up at this point so sue me if I don't know what to do.

That's why I'll ask all of you, what do I do.

College smollage

senior year. It has a funny ring to it. Freshman year I couldn't wait to get the hell out of high school and move onto college. I still feel the same way but slightly different.
Last year was my worst year as far as academics go and I would do ANYTHING to do it over. Coming into senior year I knew I would have to work my butt off for at least the first semester because my GPA needed a boost, but now I sit here at the end I the first marking period with 3 A's and 1 D. None of the A's matter anymore since the D was in AP Statistics and it matters a lot.

I have no idea what my GPA is but I also dont know where I'm going to college and you might say that it's okay but I haven't applied...anywhere. And time is running out. I sucked at my SAT'S the first time I took them, missed the deadline for the November ones and now I'm stuck taking them December third.

While all of my friends are getting accepted to universities I'm stuck fighting to get called down to my guidance counselor to talk about college and figure out what to do.

Nervous? That's an understatement, I would say scared.

Will I go to college? I don't even know anymore.





And you think I'm kidding.

Prove it.

I'm trying. I really am. I promise I'm not gonna pretend like this was something when you're not even acknowledging me anymore. Probably simple because you don't care anymore, which at this point, is fine.

I'm tired of trying when you're not gonna put any effort in. I just wish we could switch places so you could see how much it sucks to be in my position right now in our situation. I used to find it funny because I was mad. I can honestly say I'm not mad, I'm confused, stressed, and confused again. You have made this into something it's clearly not. I realize your heart has been broken before and I respect that because I've been there.

I highly doubt that you know whats been said to me. It's 4 simple words that mean a lot. "you're not good enough." imagine having that said to your face. And let me tell you it's not the best feeling.
But you don't have to know that, if you show me you care maybe I'll share it. But I can't be the girl you're gonna come back to when you come home . It's too late for that.

Maybe if you show that you care, like I thought you did, I would be feeling different. And it sucks to know that you don't even know how I feel and how much it kills me, how much I'm hurting and how much it's eating me alive.

You care about me? Prove it.

Listen you.

If you're reading this you must be incredibly bored because you're sitting here reading my lame posts that have no meaning unless you know what I'm talking about. I had a somewhat change of heart since yesterday, I know I know hard to believe but it's true.

I went out for coffee with two of my friends and was set back for a minute to look at the good time I was having. I shouldn't let anyone bring me down especially not him who shall be named or who I haven't even named. But if he's reading this he knows it's about him. Or doesn't since he's completely oblivious to everything and anything anymore.
I shouldn't make someone my priority if I'm not one of theirs. You may be thinking well duh...why are you just figuring this out now? And honestly I couldn't tell you. I was probably blinded by my own desires and not focusing on the bigger picture. I can't have my life sidelined by waiting around for him all the time or wishing things were different. So until you talk to me, have a nice life.

I'm done being second best. Or third or last.

You led me on from the beginning, told me what you wanted yet continued on to your leading ways. The truth is, I can't do it anymore. It's tearing me apart and it's time for me to be happy for once. I can't keep waiting around for something that may never happen.
Yes, I am a chicken for not talking to you. But with texting you first comes along with more waiting and guilt and wandering thoughts.

You're probably one of the nicest people I've become friends with but if you're gonna treat me like we're something more when you're clearly not ready? I can't do it.
No I'm not being selfish, for once, I'm doing something for me.


"it's hard to wait around for something you
know will never happen, but it's even harder
to stop waiting when you know it's everything
you want."

wish you were reading this.

There's so many questions that are left unanswered. And believe me if I knew the answers I would tell you but I don't. I don't know anything anymore and it's beginning to become frustrating, heck it's been frustrating since June. You probably have no idea what I'm even talking about and neither does he which is somewhat okay. There's just going to have to be a point somewhere down the road when you tell me what's going on or when I'll have to act like the bad guy and confront you. There's definitely a bigger probability that you'll have to go first.
Because I'm scared.
of rejection,
humiliation,
embarrassment,
and for our friendship.

I realize things take time but how long is too long? or long enough? I've honestly come to the conclusion that i have no idea anymore. It's that simple; I don't know.

So I'll stay here, depressed, annoyed, and waiting.
That's what I hate the most, waiting around for you. And you probably know I always am.

wish you were reading this.