if you really knew me.

In my english class we did an activity based on the show "If You Really Knew Me" and it was anonymous. Mostly everyone put some serious stuff that made us hold our breath. Some of them were, If you really knew me you would know that,

"My family makes 8 million dollars a year." i go to public school.... haha.

"I spent some time in a mental institute."

"I am seeking help for suicidal depression."

They got pretty scary, and sad. So I decided to do one on here.

If you really knew me

you would know that,

-I don't look in the mirror in school.

-I hate my hair.

-I have been called fat. Therefore I am one of the most self-conscious people you will ever meet.

-I've never spoken to my dad.

-I cry at movies that have father-daughter dances. Best example is "What A Girl Wants"

-I've never had a cigarette or smoked weed, nor will I ever do either.

-I hate on myself a lot.

-I can't wait for college.

-I think waay too much before i go to bed.

-I wish I was prettier.

-I have made the same wish on 11:11 for the past week.

-My mom and I fight just about everyday, if not more.

-I never think Im good enough.

-I feel as If Im living two lives.

-I made varsity freshman year only to get moved down sophmore year because jv wasn't doing good. Explain that one.

-After I was moved down, I cried.

-Things are never perfect.

love abby.

we wish we knew, atleast i do.

the hair on your arms sticks up and you feel your heart start to drop. you want to smile and everything to go the way you want. but it doesn't always.
you will probably figure out what this post is about if you haven't already by the end.

it's hard to understand why he doesn't tell you or know exactly what you want him to say. maybe you have to tell him first, something i am not the best at. it kills you inside and drops hints everywhere. they're probably blatantly obvious but he doesn't see.
it's hard to deal with your feelings inside and wondering what he thinks of you. it's hard to wait, because you never really know, at least i don't.
falling asleep at night makes you think too much and wonder and dream of scenario's that dance in your head and won't leave you alone, at least mine won't.
it's hard to watch other girls and hope that he is thinking of you, otherwise it makes you feel uneasy.

i get butterflies and a big smile, self-conscious at times because i worry too much.
i hope i look okay and there isn't anything in my teeth. hopefully you notice the outfit i chose to wear and tried to make my hair perfect, hopefully.

love, abby.
"it's hard to wait around for something when you know it might never happen, but it's even harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want."

the way&you know how.

it's the way you smile, the way we danced, the way
you asked me to dance,
the way you make me laugh, the way you give me goosebumps.
it's the way you make me smile, the way you listen to my pointless stories,
the way you make me feel safe and warm.
it's the way you tell me i look pretty, the way you compliment me,
the way you talk to me, the way you flirt with me.
But you know how to confuse me.
you know how to make me smile and laugh and make me feel like you
like me.
you know how to walk away and get me confused, because one minute you
are walking with me then the next you run off.
you know how to make me think really hard if you do or not.

but i want you to tell me so i can stop wondering if you do.


love, abby.

homeschooler?

Wow it's been a long time, and it makes me thingk of how busy i've been, ugh.
But I went to the homeschoolers graduation this past sunday and it was really cool. Then all the juniors were talking about how they are going to be next and they wished i was graduationg with them, then I started thinking.

I have always wondered what it would be like if I was homeschooled. I always thought, "nah, I wouldn't be able to do it." But it stuck in my head and is still stuck in my head. It is scaring me a little bit. So lets take a step back... No one at school knows about my "other life" at church and with all my friends that I hangout with the most. Don't go thinking that I'm a loser at school and have no friends haha, I have friends but they are "school friends". Only a handful are ones that I hangout with. The rest of them I don't hangout with; because, all they do is smoke weed and drink on the weekends; especially during the summer. I obviously don't do that or want to be a part of it. Now take one more step back to about 3 weeks ago. My softball coach came up to me in church and said she saw me standing on a line. The line was dividing school and church, and in the center is God. I don't have to pick a side but it would be easier because it would make my focus on God.

Now come back to the graduation night. I had a feeling inside of me to ask God, what if I was homeschooled? Do I want to be? Because honestly, I think I have figured out that my real friends are the ones at church. I do have "real" friends from school but the true ones are at church. I've prayed for two nights to try and figure out if I am supossed to be homeschooled, and here's why...

I'm sick of being choked by collared shirts everyday for our uniform, Im sick of trying to impress everyone because thats just normal at public school. I hate having to wake up super early in the morning and doing the same routine every day. I hate being around all the profanity and innapropriate things that are talked about, which turn me into someone im not. It's hard to work with people you don't like, get made fun of, and deal with the things of the world that don't honor God. I feel trapped in a box at school knowing that im not honoring him and feeling awful about going along with the kids at school. For example, my first block class is english and my class is rough. I'm doing very well in the class,and when she puts us in groups I do all the work, and obviously that doesn't make me feel good.
I don't know why it's stuck in my head, I just need to be told what to do. I've come to the sense that theres two possibilities to becoming homeschooled.
The first is that it would be great, and I should have done it a long time ago. I would become a better person.
The second would be that it would be a huge mistake and I would be awful at it and get no work done. But I work well by myself because I can do the ideas that I want and there wouldn't be conflict.


signed, confused and seeking advice.

love, abby.

Falling to Pieces...

I woke up this morning and got ready for school and came downstairs to find that my dog suzie had eaten the string, (they're like bows) on my moccassins, great day to start out. MLIA. And then I get into the car and my mom told me to rub my blush in because i apparently had a line from it. Now she tells me to do this like everytime we got out somewhere, and it is getting on my nerves a lot. You would think that i notice because i do my makeup in the morning and i didn't see a line. Everytime she tells me to rub it in and it really cocky about it... And she started yelling at me because i apprently didn't rub it in enough, really mom? cool. So i shut the door of the car as i went into school and neither of us said a word to eachother.
And everytime i come home from school we email periodically until she gets home, usually about random stuff like what are you doing? whats for dinner? things like that. But this time she asked me if I got her text, so i got up and looked at the text that read something along the lines of," you're disrespect towards me is unaaceptable, no computer, phone or ipod this weekend." Then i sent her an email back apologizing about my attitude and how i get annoyed when she tells me that. And she said that we would talk about it tonight.

I went to the Amosland bingo night at my elementary school (: with my friend Jaclyn, and when i got home she's in bed asleep. And this is only at like 9:15 maybe. But she has been feeling sick so i'll give her that.
I am just sick of being in fights with my mom and they are never resolved. Things are always brushed off and acted as if it never even happened. And I think that is part of the reason that we fight so much. Shes almost all that I have, I mean i have my grandparents but they're not the best and thats a whole nother story to tell. I'm just unhappy and upset. Really the only thing cheering me up is my friends.

It's like things are slowly crumbling but you can't tell. There is just something that makes you think that and then your mind just starts to wonder about everything in your life and how many things are wrong with it and you wish they weren't and you still have faith that God will keep your head above the water because you gave yourself to him. It's like waiting for something that you have wanted for a long time but then you get it and it's not as good as you thought it would be or as good as you wanted it to be.
i just feel stuck and im trying so hard to get out but i can't; and thats why

i'm falling to pieces.

love, abby

It's 2010

Well it's been a long time since i last wrote, and the reasoning being that i had no desire to. i mean i always was thinking of good ideas that i could fit into a blog but never got around to doing it. I was so unmotivated and my thoughts on my life were that my life sucks.
It felt like my life was crumbling beneath me and i was doing something wrong. my family and i fight a lot and it's not pretty. especially with my mom. not having a dad takes a lot away from you. we live with my grandparents and when someone asks, i always say,"oh my grandparents live with me." even though it's the other way around. my mom and i fight often but what can i say we're eachothers best friend.

I wasn't doing well in school except for the easy classes. and i was paying for it. i was never focused and i was always tired, never motivated and very unhappy. i can honestly say that i am still unhappy but im doing better. it's hard feeling alone and like no one understands you. The last fight my mom and i had was ugly. it was about a snowboarding trip and she was being unreasonable in my point of view, though i didn't go i was pretty mad. the whole 35 or so minute ride home we didn't speak except for a brief 5 minute yelling period between us, then i was dropped off at home, and i was alone. i sat on the couch and i cried and cried and cried. it felt like she didn't care and i was trapped. i often do feel trapped. when seh got home she apologized and i accepted. it didn't change anything that i felt. before i went to bed i cried for a while and didn't get to sleep until maybe 2am.
No one knows what life is like for me, but don't get me wrong im not trying to get a guilt trip or find pity in myself. it's just not normal the way things have been going, and frankly it's freaking sucks. i am never home on the weekends always out with my friends and i never spend time with my school friends either. it's like i am in a world of my own but i didn't design it, someone else did and they made it miserable.

it's just not going well. although it's a whole lot better than it was...

love. abby