Ouvert ou Fermé

There's still a hole in my chest, although I can't decide if it's my heart that is missing or my soul. Most of the time I think it's my heart because I don't let anyone get close enough to it to feel it beat, and then other times I am certain it is there because it aches so badly that I'm afraid it might stop working. Sometimes it feels like it has a bandage on it that is constantly being ripped off and placed back on, and other times it's a big open wound.

This semester has put me over the edge and I am maxed out on stress. I'd like to think I am getting sleep but most of the time I lie awake with my eyes unable to close and my mind unable to prove that I am worth something.
The clock mocks me throughout all of this and yet I'm still unable to care or provide myself with good reasoning that I need to stand up for myself. I look at how much everyone wants us to love ourselves but laugh at how impossible that is when we're told we're not good enough. It's exhausting.

Maybe I Am Doing it All Wrong

I wasn't sure where I belonged when I was in PA. I finally came to the conclusion that I didn't fit in there and it was time to move on. Literally. Now, in my new home, I'm not sure I fit in here either. Most of the people are friendly and welcoming but I still feel like an outsider. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm over-thinking it, but maybe it's that I don't fit in here either.

I'm worried about the upcoming years- succeeding, college, medical school (hopefully), where I'm going to live, where I'm going to go to school, how to pay for school, how to get in to medical school, how to pay for it...

I need someone to tell me that it's all going to work out and that it is normal for me to be worried and stressed out about these kinds of things. I need someone to tell me that they will love me even when everything falls apart, and I need to hear that someone has my back, because right now, it feels as if I'm in an ocean full of people who seem to know where they're swimming to and I'm only treading water, watching as they swim away.

And yeah, I know what you're thinking- I'm just another one of those basic, confused, indecisive college students who will figure it out eventually. But I'm not and I don't know how to figure it out and I know I definitely don't have much time to.

Libérer

I wish I could go back and do things differently. I would know the right things to say, I would know the right things to do, and I would try my best to make you laugh more. I feel like I'm on a boat slowly drifting out to sea. Even though, I have a paddle, it's like I forgot how to use it- so I keep drifting. And all I want to do is close my eyes until I'm back to shore and things are okay again. I would try to argue less and have some confidence in myself. I would be slower to speak and smile more. I wouldn't give up so easily or hide my emotions when I was upset. As I'm sailing out to sea I feel my emotions slowly slipping away from me and disappearing into the sky as I stare up at the clouds. Although there isn't a storm brewing at this second, I see rain clouds all around me. But I don't care because even though I'm trapped in a vast, dark ocean... I feel free.

This Post Sucks

I keep trying to prove that I'm worth something, and maybe you hope I am, yet here I am again- afraid that I'm not. 

Some days I feel strong and capable and like I could someday amount to something, but other days I want to drive into a wall. And sometimes I'm afraid I almost will.

I usually have expectations about most things because I like to set goals. However, I see how completely and utterly useless they are to have. I picture out scenarios in my head and wishfully think about the best case that could happen. Yet, I see nothing of what I pictured or imagined and am stuck in a rut of thinking about what lies ahead. I see the beauty in not knowing what lies ahead, I do. And it's not that I'm worried about it, I just fear that whatever does lie ahead doesn't consume me. 

If it doesn't then maybe it was all worth it and I can pat myself on that back., but if it does, then I won't be surprised. I usually find a way to screw things up and know I will continue to do so. Whatever lies ahead has a big chance of getting screwed up by yours truly, so heed my warning and be not surprised- I make no promises.