If you're hoping that this post will be about how much better I'm doing and how I've learned to go on with my life, it's not going to happen. And I don't see that post coming any time soon.
I don't know what to do to get you to no longer hate me. I don't know where to go from here, but I sure would like to. And I hope you do too. It's unfathomable to me to throw five years of friendship out the window and pretend like it never happened. We screwed up, yes. Now let's move on. Three months on no communication may not seem like a long time to most people but to us, well me at least, it seems like forever. This can't be the end. I know there is more for us because I have faith and I have hope. There's no way I'm letting this tear us apart without having some sort of "closure".
I don't hate you and I never will, I don't know how many more times I can say that. No one but you and I understands the bond we had. I just don't see any need to put each other in the darkness for the rest of our lives. I'm dealing with too much pain and hurt to let that happen. So I give you this, I'm ready. Ready to talk about this. Two months ago I probably would have said the same thing but for two months I haven't done anything except write this stupid blog which makes me want to scream. And here I am three months later, stronger, smarter, hurt, and definitely more reserved ready to reach out. I can't explain why Im ready because I have less self confidence and less self esteem than before but I'm going out on a limb here.
I'm sick of writing these posts pretending that it makes me feel better, because it doesn't. I'm sick of having no motivation, sick of crying, and being sad. I'm sick of watching your life in pictures and frankly, sick of being apart. One of the last things you said to me was something along the lines of, you didn't know what you were going to do because we talk all the time and I was the one you went to with everything. I just hope that that feeling hasn't gone away. Mine certainly hasn't.
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