Fall Down 7 Times, Stand Up 8

If you're hoping that this post will be about how much better I'm doing and how I've learned to go on with my life, it's not going to happen. And I don't see that post coming any time soon.

I don't know what to do to get you to no longer hate me. I don't know where to go from here, but I sure would like to. And I hope you do too. It's unfathomable to me to throw five years of friendship out the window and pretend like it never happened. We screwed up, yes. Now let's move on. Three months on no communication may not seem like a long time to most people but to us, well me at least, it seems like forever. This can't be the end. I know there is more for us because I have faith and I have hope. There's no way I'm letting this tear us apart without having some sort of "closure".

I don't hate you and I never will, I don't know how many more times I can say that. No one but you and I understands the bond we had. I just don't see any need to put each other in the darkness for the rest of our lives. I'm dealing with too much pain and hurt to let that happen. So I give you this, I'm ready. Ready to talk about this. Two months ago I probably would have said the same thing but for two months I haven't done anything except write this stupid blog which makes me want to scream. And here I am three months later, stronger, smarter, hurt, and definitely more reserved ready to reach out. I can't explain why Im ready because I have less self confidence and less self esteem than before but I'm going out on a limb here.

I'm sick of writing these posts pretending that it makes me feel better, because it doesn't. I'm sick of having no motivation, sick of crying, and being sad. I'm sick of watching your life in pictures and frankly, sick of being apart. One of the last things you said to me was something along the lines of, you didn't know what you were going to do because we talk all the time and I was the one you went to with everything. I just hope that that feeling hasn't gone away. Mine certainly hasn't.

I Most Definitely Wear My Heart on My Sleeve

I know you read these. And I know you're reading this one.

There are so many things I want to say right now and it's not that I don't have the words for what I want to say, it's that I don't have you to say them to. You've shut me out. Correction: cut me out of your life. Maybe I took up too much of your life, maybe you are finally happy that I'm out of it, or maybe everything was a lie. Not just your affections and words but everything. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but you're making it extremely difficult for me to try.
It's not that I've procrastinated writing a new post, it's that I have sat at my computer staring at a blank page for the past couple of days. I feel like I sound like a broken record. I'm not sure what else I can say. I know what I want and I'm not going to give up on something that I believe in. Especially not someone who was such a huge part of my world.

If I've learned anything from all of this, it's a couple of things...
First, I HATE being alone. Nothing hurts me more. Second, Don't believe people so easily- when words are spoken, don't get attached.
Third, You can be very wrong about a person whom you think you know everything about. Very wrong.

Sincerely,
lost, sad, alone, & hurt.
(aka, Abby Dawson)

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry. For everything. For every sappy tweet and every hurtful thing I said to you.
I'm hurting without you. I'm helpless and not ready to say goodbye.

I'm in the library. Crying. Because I have no one. I am alone and now it's like you never existed.
My mom took a hold of my Twitter and retweeted a tweet of her's so a certain someone would see it. I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

Wake Me Up From This Dream

I need answers. The question's and thought's I torture myself with are eating me alive. I can't do it anymore.
Why is this my fault?
Why aren't you hurt or upset?
How come suddenly I mean so little to you?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Was everything fake?
Was this your plan all along?
Why didn't I see this coming?
What do I do now?

If some of these questions sound crazy it's because I AM going crazy. Every wall I built up has been torn down and no matter how hard I try to build them back up, I cant. They fall right back down and there is nothing I can so about that. Its the little things where you think, what happened here and what do I do now?" My exact thoughts all the time, 24/7.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the reason why.

I Am Tired of The Tears

Things haven't gotten better. If anything, they've gotten worse. When I say I'm alone, I don't mean for that to be a complaint- it's simply the truth. Do I like it? Of course not, but that's the way it has to be. I'm not going to pretend that I'm "okay" when I'm the farthest thing from it. That to me, is weakness. Own up to your feelings and emotions. Unless you have no feelings and you're the cold hearted little boy I begged you not to turn into. Which seems to be the case.

I'm sorry for the fighting, I'm sorry for reading into things way to much, I am a girl but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'm sorry for the names I called you and the times where I annoyed you, which apparently was all the time. I'm sorry for doubting you and for the times when I argued with you. I'm sorry for not pointing you more to Christ so we might not have gotten to this point. I'm sorry for all the gas you wasted on driving me around. All the times I got mad when you didn't invite me places- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times where you brought me places out of guilt. I'm sorry for getting jealous of other girls and texts between you. I'm sorry I was the one person who made you the most mad and stressed out. I'm sorry I didn't care for you or love you enough. I'm sorry for calling you to pick me up when I thought my face was cut off. I'm sorry for the times I let you down.
But most of all, I'm sorry I somehow gave you permission to take advantage of me, to lie to me about our entire friendship, to disappear as if the last five years (last year in particular) never even happened.


If people think I didn't feel good enough before, they've got another thing coming. Call me ridiculous call me dramatic, but at least I have feelings, a heart and a soul that is trying to mend.