B-E-A-U-TIFUL

Heard at The Village Church

Other than her voice being flawless, this song is simply beautiful.

If you were to leave, Fulfill someone else's dreams, I think I might totally be lost

19 Days

I Hope I Haven't Heard the Last Words From the Holy Ghost

Je m'appelle Abby got a new look today, now if only I could get myself one. You may think it's naive for me to say this, but I think I have really grown up a lot over the past few months. I definitely have learned a great deal, mostly about other people, not so much myself. I learned to admit that my mom is my best friend and I would be nothing without her. I also learned to stop trusting people so easily. The more people I see try and speak into my life the more I question whether they actually care or if they're mainly just curious. A lot has changed, that's for sure. I spend my days working long hours like a full-time job, my evenings alone with my computer, and my nights wide awake while I let my thoughts consume me. Sometimes the silence is nice, sometimes it's lonely. You would think that I would be pretty used to it by now but it still hurts and the pain somehow still finds its way through my veins. Some people theorize that humans have a switch for their emotions. Turn it on and the pain, sorrow, happiness, and joy is all there. Turn it off and we become mute and immune to anything and everything. Although my 'switch' is very much turned on, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if my switch were turned off. Maybe I would start to act like the one person who fuels my pain and adverts his eyes away at any sight of hurting me more. And when I think of this thought... I thank God that my switch is on.

You Know What They Say About Hope? It Breeds Eternal Misery

I Wish You Would Have Stayed For All the Things We Did Right Instead of Leaving For the One Thing We Did Wrong

I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't been. I think about posting and type out little blurbs of ideas but never get around to meshing it all together and posting. Most of the time it's either 2am or 3am when I get to sleep and by that time all I want to do is sleep. Speaking of sleep... I think I have officially diagnosed myself as an insomniac. Just kidding, but I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere close to it. I'm not sure when my mind became so wander-y but it doesn't seem to want to let me rest.

I guess I'm not really sure how to explain how I've been doing the last couple of weeks either. I went to visit my family in Texas for a week and it was an incredibly nice break and a huge blessing. The trip gave me a new perspective and ideas for a new adventure which I'll share a little bit later on. I guess I have realized that happiness is a mood rather than a destination. I would be lying if I said I haven't been happy at times in the last few months, I definitely have been, but I don't really see any change in myself as far as picking myself up off the ground goes.

I still feel incredibly and hopelessly lost. Like everyone else is moving and I'm standing still unsure of where to go next. I feel as if my life has almost stopped and everyone else's is moving on forward. I have prayed more times than I could possibly count for God to reveal his plan through this...mess, but so far I've come up empty handed. Empty is kinda my word of the (day) last few months. Maybe I have become emotionless or maybe I have stopped treading water and sunk to the bottom. Whatever it may be, I know that it's not where I want to be.
Where do I want to be, you might ask? Well that's easy, you should all be able to guess the answer to that one.

Collapsible Lung

Have you ever rehearsed something in your head almost a million times and it still doesn't sound or feel right? Has it ever been something as simple as, "Hi" or "Hey"? Maybe I second guess myself too much and maybe your sitting there reading this and thinking to yourself, "Is this girl serious?". No matter how many times I rehearse in my head and even out loud, nothing flows.

This can just be one more thing I screw up and I bet none of you reading this are even remotely surprised by that prediction.

Guess What?

I think it's time I let you in on a little secret. I didn't get a single A in a class this semester. Two B's. One in French, which is understandable, the other in English, which I didn't submit the final in, oops. The other grades? I failed Biology, and got a D in Chemistry. Safe to say, this was my worst semester. So to all the people who told me to take the semester off in mid December.... You were right.

Did you know I got an A or better in almost every single class in High School? I like science. And I'm going to be a Doctor. The problem is, I don't have a single professor on my side or one who believes in me and that I can come back from this. I let my cumulative GPA fall below a 3.0 this semester and now I have a meeting with my advisor and the chair of the Biology department tomorrow. Hope I don't get kicked out? You see the thing is, I don't really care if I do. I'm tired of having to explain what I went through and am still going through which is causing me to struggle academically to get people to believe in me.

I used to have someone who did, one person, or who I thought did. Now, I'm not so sure. But he's gone now. And so is everyone else. I don't want to sound needy or like an attention seeker because I'm not. I already know I suck at life and being a girl. It's nothing new. It was just nice to have someone believe in me and be there for me no matter what. I guess that's kind of counter-intuitive because you're not here, so "no matter what" was just a phrase to be spoken.

So you can probably guess that things suck. And they have for a while. To everyone hoping that this all blows over and I am back to my normal me, it's not going to happen. And it's not helping just sitting back wishing this was just a dream.
Because trust me, I wish that too.  

There's A Box of Your Things At My Place

I miss feeling wanted and feeling like my company was wanted. I miss laughing almost all the time and having someone tell me how much they love when I smile. I miss the security of knowing that no matter what time or place you always had my back. I miss how free I used to feel. I miss having someone believe in me but also challenge me at the same time. I miss the happiness that my life used to be filled with because right now it's full of sorrow and guilt. I miss not being judged and having someone I know that will keep my secrets. I miss the words you would speak to calm me down and realize that things are okay. I miss my person.

I miss the feeling when you're wrapped up in someone's arms and it feels like the safest place in the world, like you don't need to worry and no one can touch you.

Most of all, I miss the memories we made and share(d). Because I will always carry them with me, but for both of our sake's, I hope the unbearable ones leave soon.

After reading over these there is so much more that I could add, so much more that it makes this hurt that much more. But then I think to myself, how can I miss any of these things if none of them were real? You don't need to pretend anymore that our friendship was real and that the only the rest was fake. I think it's time I stop pretending that I was good enough and realize that I will never be the right type of friend for you. And I know there is nothing I can or could have done to change this.

The hole in my chest grows bigger every day even though I'm begging for it to close up. I can't believe the realization of what I've just written hasn't sunk in yet, for whatever reason that is, I hope it's a good one because this kind of pain and feeling of hurt and betrayal is making my heart and soul weary. I have felt a lot of emotions and been burned many times in my 19 years, but none of those times can compare to this time. No, this time is much worse.

Explicit

Nobody Said it Would Be this Hard

It's been almost a month since my last post. I could use the excuse that I have been drowning in school work, which is definitely true, as an excuse for not writing, but honestly I don't have the motivation anymore; which is ironic considering I'm writing right now...

Things are neither bad nor good, things are different. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely still struggling and completely broken but since a baby step has been taken, I've grown more patient. I'm not okay with it, rather I'm going along with it. I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go or even what I'm supposed to do. Yet, I know it needs to be something because I'm sick of doing this. I'm sick of being the girl who is so lost that no one can help her any longer. The one who fails at every single thing in her life, and the one who needed someone to make her into somebody because before she was a nobody.  The funny thing is, that I can prove it because well, look at me now.

Curiosity is Killer

I hate everything. Not one single person understands what I'm dealing with.

I'm done trying to figure this out. I'm done trying to reconcile with someone who will never care about me as much as I care(d) about them.

I'm sick of the lies and the bull that everyone seems to be feeding me. It's honestly pathetic how many people I have here for me. Of course I'm going to look at myself for why this is the case, who wouldnt? I need everyone to stop pointing out the good things in me and start telling my why I continue to fail at everything and anything. I'm sick of people acting so fake and pretending they care when they only ask how I'm doing to make conversation.

The feelings I have don't matter, the problems I'm dealing with don't matter, and neither does the emptiness I'm feeling. I'm not sure why it has taken me this long to realize that.

Regardless of any of this, none of you actually care about me or this situation, you're all just curious.

Whatever

I figure if you want to talk to me you will. I'm done trying to be the one who wears the pants in this relationship. I don't want to be the one that always fixes everything. I feel like I'm putting all of the effort in while you're getting a free pass. I have wanted to ask you numerous times about your trip and life and random things but have stopped myself because I know I would be feeding into what you want. I'm done being the mediator and the pathetic desperate little girl that I once was. I'm tired of being a pushover and trying so hard to make things perfect. I'm tired of trying to BE perfect because I know I'm hardly that. Most of all, I'm tired of letting people get so close to me just to crush me in an instant.
Oh, and also, I'm sick and tired of writing these posts because I know they won't change anything or even shake anything inside of you. I used to mean so much to you and now it's like I mean nothing at all.

Cut All of The Ropes and Let Me Fall

I've had many trials and hurdles in my life and usually I am surrounded with people who do a very good job of getting me through it. So why should this hurdle be any different? The word "hurdle" might be an understatement but even still,I should have people to go to. I'm sick of no one knowing the answers to my questions or not knowning what to say to my thoughts and concerns. I'm tired of being alone and treading water in the deep end with no one to talk to. Sure I'm no different than I was before and yeah everyone knows I'm not ok, but that shouldn't excuse people from coming to my side.

I'm so completely lost and confused with the way people show care that it makes me want to run away. I'm annoyed at how I'm the one who was chewed up and spit out yet, the one who spit me out is getting more care than me. The last thing that I need is attention and anyone who knows me would agree. I don't need or even want people feeling sorry for me, I don't want people acting sad around me just because of how I'm feeling, and I sure as heck don't want people thinking that I'm fine.

I'm to the point now where I realize people don't care anymore and I know you're all sick of hearing me complain and express my feelings about all of this, I get it. But throughout all of this, I can't help but laugh at the lack of people I have. And maybe that makes me sound pathetic or desperate and so be it, because I don't really care anyway.

The amount of flack I've been given about giving a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it, is unbelievable. I mean I knew I was going to hear alllllllll about it but I never imagined the opinions would be this loud. I have so many people telling me that this is a bad idea and they don't want to see me hurt again and that I am being stupid. And then their "advice" stops there. Half my friends hate the idea and are sick of me talking about it, the other half are non-existant. My brain is ready to explode from the amount of "this is a bad idea" being thrown into it. I have all of these ideas and opinions and thoughts in my head and then I have my heart. And in my heart I still feel it beating. My heart likes to give second chances and knows how to take a punch. And in my heart I have memories that seem to keep shining through. Actually, I shouldn't even say that because all there is right now, is a giant hole where my heart used to be. I guess you could say that I'm trying to get it back, which will be very, very, hard since I know, deep down that I will never fully get back all of its pieces.

Sleepless in Seattle

Most nights I can't fall asleep. The reason for my insomnia is probably for two reasons. First, what the past 10 posts have been about on here... and second, my crazy encounter that most people can't seem to believe. I still get nightmares. I can't count the amount of times I've said, "I'm not afraid anymore" because it's far too much. You may not think partaking in Wii boxing would be effective, but I've grown into a wicked right hook. Laugh all you want. Although I don't go anywhere without anyone anymore, except on campus, which is in Chester so I should feel even more unsafe, I'm still finding myself looking over my shoulder and clenching my fists. I don't like to talk about it, and frankly, if you ask me about it, I'll probably say, "I'm fine" and try and act like a badass who has recovered from this. Truth is, I haven't. I've tried to write blog posts about it but end up deleting all of it when I'm barely halfway through a paragraph.

It's made for some pretty sleepless and restless nights. I'm hoping that one day, hopefully soon, I can write a post where I can honestly say that I'm not afraid anymore.

Fall Down 7 Times, Stand Up 8

If you're hoping that this post will be about how much better I'm doing and how I've learned to go on with my life, it's not going to happen. And I don't see that post coming any time soon.

I don't know what to do to get you to no longer hate me. I don't know where to go from here, but I sure would like to. And I hope you do too. It's unfathomable to me to throw five years of friendship out the window and pretend like it never happened. We screwed up, yes. Now let's move on. Three months on no communication may not seem like a long time to most people but to us, well me at least, it seems like forever. This can't be the end. I know there is more for us because I have faith and I have hope. There's no way I'm letting this tear us apart without having some sort of "closure".

I don't hate you and I never will, I don't know how many more times I can say that. No one but you and I understands the bond we had. I just don't see any need to put each other in the darkness for the rest of our lives. I'm dealing with too much pain and hurt to let that happen. So I give you this, I'm ready. Ready to talk about this. Two months ago I probably would have said the same thing but for two months I haven't done anything except write this stupid blog which makes me want to scream. And here I am three months later, stronger, smarter, hurt, and definitely more reserved ready to reach out. I can't explain why Im ready because I have less self confidence and less self esteem than before but I'm going out on a limb here.

I'm sick of writing these posts pretending that it makes me feel better, because it doesn't. I'm sick of having no motivation, sick of crying, and being sad. I'm sick of watching your life in pictures and frankly, sick of being apart. One of the last things you said to me was something along the lines of, you didn't know what you were going to do because we talk all the time and I was the one you went to with everything. I just hope that that feeling hasn't gone away. Mine certainly hasn't.

I Most Definitely Wear My Heart on My Sleeve

I know you read these. And I know you're reading this one.

There are so many things I want to say right now and it's not that I don't have the words for what I want to say, it's that I don't have you to say them to. You've shut me out. Correction: cut me out of your life. Maybe I took up too much of your life, maybe you are finally happy that I'm out of it, or maybe everything was a lie. Not just your affections and words but everything. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but you're making it extremely difficult for me to try.
It's not that I've procrastinated writing a new post, it's that I have sat at my computer staring at a blank page for the past couple of days. I feel like I sound like a broken record. I'm not sure what else I can say. I know what I want and I'm not going to give up on something that I believe in. Especially not someone who was such a huge part of my world.

If I've learned anything from all of this, it's a couple of things...
First, I HATE being alone. Nothing hurts me more. Second, Don't believe people so easily- when words are spoken, don't get attached.
Third, You can be very wrong about a person whom you think you know everything about. Very wrong.

Sincerely,
lost, sad, alone, & hurt.
(aka, Abby Dawson)

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry. For everything. For every sappy tweet and every hurtful thing I said to you.
I'm hurting without you. I'm helpless and not ready to say goodbye.

I'm in the library. Crying. Because I have no one. I am alone and now it's like you never existed.
My mom took a hold of my Twitter and retweeted a tweet of her's so a certain someone would see it. I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

Wake Me Up From This Dream

I need answers. The question's and thought's I torture myself with are eating me alive. I can't do it anymore.
Why is this my fault?
Why aren't you hurt or upset?
How come suddenly I mean so little to you?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Was everything fake?
Was this your plan all along?
Why didn't I see this coming?
What do I do now?

If some of these questions sound crazy it's because I AM going crazy. Every wall I built up has been torn down and no matter how hard I try to build them back up, I cant. They fall right back down and there is nothing I can so about that. Its the little things where you think, what happened here and what do I do now?" My exact thoughts all the time, 24/7.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the reason why.