Whatever

I figure if you want to talk to me you will. I'm done trying to be the one who wears the pants in this relationship. I don't want to be the one that always fixes everything. I feel like I'm putting all of the effort in while you're getting a free pass. I have wanted to ask you numerous times about your trip and life and random things but have stopped myself because I know I would be feeding into what you want. I'm done being the mediator and the pathetic desperate little girl that I once was. I'm tired of being a pushover and trying so hard to make things perfect. I'm tired of trying to BE perfect because I know I'm hardly that. Most of all, I'm tired of letting people get so close to me just to crush me in an instant.
Oh, and also, I'm sick and tired of writing these posts because I know they won't change anything or even shake anything inside of you. I used to mean so much to you and now it's like I mean nothing at all.

Cut All of The Ropes and Let Me Fall

I've had many trials and hurdles in my life and usually I am surrounded with people who do a very good job of getting me through it. So why should this hurdle be any different? The word "hurdle" might be an understatement but even still,I should have people to go to. I'm sick of no one knowing the answers to my questions or not knowning what to say to my thoughts and concerns. I'm tired of being alone and treading water in the deep end with no one to talk to. Sure I'm no different than I was before and yeah everyone knows I'm not ok, but that shouldn't excuse people from coming to my side.

I'm so completely lost and confused with the way people show care that it makes me want to run away. I'm annoyed at how I'm the one who was chewed up and spit out yet, the one who spit me out is getting more care than me. The last thing that I need is attention and anyone who knows me would agree. I don't need or even want people feeling sorry for me, I don't want people acting sad around me just because of how I'm feeling, and I sure as heck don't want people thinking that I'm fine.

I'm to the point now where I realize people don't care anymore and I know you're all sick of hearing me complain and express my feelings about all of this, I get it. But throughout all of this, I can't help but laugh at the lack of people I have. And maybe that makes me sound pathetic or desperate and so be it, because I don't really care anyway.

The amount of flack I've been given about giving a second chance to someone who doesn't deserve it, is unbelievable. I mean I knew I was going to hear alllllllll about it but I never imagined the opinions would be this loud. I have so many people telling me that this is a bad idea and they don't want to see me hurt again and that I am being stupid. And then their "advice" stops there. Half my friends hate the idea and are sick of me talking about it, the other half are non-existant. My brain is ready to explode from the amount of "this is a bad idea" being thrown into it. I have all of these ideas and opinions and thoughts in my head and then I have my heart. And in my heart I still feel it beating. My heart likes to give second chances and knows how to take a punch. And in my heart I have memories that seem to keep shining through. Actually, I shouldn't even say that because all there is right now, is a giant hole where my heart used to be. I guess you could say that I'm trying to get it back, which will be very, very, hard since I know, deep down that I will never fully get back all of its pieces.

Sleepless in Seattle

Most nights I can't fall asleep. The reason for my insomnia is probably for two reasons. First, what the past 10 posts have been about on here... and second, my crazy encounter that most people can't seem to believe. I still get nightmares. I can't count the amount of times I've said, "I'm not afraid anymore" because it's far too much. You may not think partaking in Wii boxing would be effective, but I've grown into a wicked right hook. Laugh all you want. Although I don't go anywhere without anyone anymore, except on campus, which is in Chester so I should feel even more unsafe, I'm still finding myself looking over my shoulder and clenching my fists. I don't like to talk about it, and frankly, if you ask me about it, I'll probably say, "I'm fine" and try and act like a badass who has recovered from this. Truth is, I haven't. I've tried to write blog posts about it but end up deleting all of it when I'm barely halfway through a paragraph.

It's made for some pretty sleepless and restless nights. I'm hoping that one day, hopefully soon, I can write a post where I can honestly say that I'm not afraid anymore.

Fall Down 7 Times, Stand Up 8

If you're hoping that this post will be about how much better I'm doing and how I've learned to go on with my life, it's not going to happen. And I don't see that post coming any time soon.

I don't know what to do to get you to no longer hate me. I don't know where to go from here, but I sure would like to. And I hope you do too. It's unfathomable to me to throw five years of friendship out the window and pretend like it never happened. We screwed up, yes. Now let's move on. Three months on no communication may not seem like a long time to most people but to us, well me at least, it seems like forever. This can't be the end. I know there is more for us because I have faith and I have hope. There's no way I'm letting this tear us apart without having some sort of "closure".

I don't hate you and I never will, I don't know how many more times I can say that. No one but you and I understands the bond we had. I just don't see any need to put each other in the darkness for the rest of our lives. I'm dealing with too much pain and hurt to let that happen. So I give you this, I'm ready. Ready to talk about this. Two months ago I probably would have said the same thing but for two months I haven't done anything except write this stupid blog which makes me want to scream. And here I am three months later, stronger, smarter, hurt, and definitely more reserved ready to reach out. I can't explain why Im ready because I have less self confidence and less self esteem than before but I'm going out on a limb here.

I'm sick of writing these posts pretending that it makes me feel better, because it doesn't. I'm sick of having no motivation, sick of crying, and being sad. I'm sick of watching your life in pictures and frankly, sick of being apart. One of the last things you said to me was something along the lines of, you didn't know what you were going to do because we talk all the time and I was the one you went to with everything. I just hope that that feeling hasn't gone away. Mine certainly hasn't.

I Most Definitely Wear My Heart on My Sleeve

I know you read these. And I know you're reading this one.

There are so many things I want to say right now and it's not that I don't have the words for what I want to say, it's that I don't have you to say them to. You've shut me out. Correction: cut me out of your life. Maybe I took up too much of your life, maybe you are finally happy that I'm out of it, or maybe everything was a lie. Not just your affections and words but everything. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt, I really do, but you're making it extremely difficult for me to try.
It's not that I've procrastinated writing a new post, it's that I have sat at my computer staring at a blank page for the past couple of days. I feel like I sound like a broken record. I'm not sure what else I can say. I know what I want and I'm not going to give up on something that I believe in. Especially not someone who was such a huge part of my world.

If I've learned anything from all of this, it's a couple of things...
First, I HATE being alone. Nothing hurts me more. Second, Don't believe people so easily- when words are spoken, don't get attached.
Third, You can be very wrong about a person whom you think you know everything about. Very wrong.

Sincerely,
lost, sad, alone, & hurt.
(aka, Abby Dawson)

I'm Sorry.

I'm sorry. For everything. For every sappy tweet and every hurtful thing I said to you.
I'm hurting without you. I'm helpless and not ready to say goodbye.

I'm in the library. Crying. Because I have no one. I am alone and now it's like you never existed.
My mom took a hold of my Twitter and retweeted a tweet of her's so a certain someone would see it. I'm sorry.

I can't do this anymore.

Wake Me Up From This Dream

I need answers. The question's and thought's I torture myself with are eating me alive. I can't do it anymore.
Why is this my fault?
Why aren't you hurt or upset?
How come suddenly I mean so little to you?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Was everything fake?
Was this your plan all along?
Why didn't I see this coming?
What do I do now?

If some of these questions sound crazy it's because I AM going crazy. Every wall I built up has been torn down and no matter how hard I try to build them back up, I cant. They fall right back down and there is nothing I can so about that. Its the little things where you think, what happened here and what do I do now?" My exact thoughts all the time, 24/7.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the reason why.

I Am Tired of The Tears

Things haven't gotten better. If anything, they've gotten worse. When I say I'm alone, I don't mean for that to be a complaint- it's simply the truth. Do I like it? Of course not, but that's the way it has to be. I'm not going to pretend that I'm "okay" when I'm the farthest thing from it. That to me, is weakness. Own up to your feelings and emotions. Unless you have no feelings and you're the cold hearted little boy I begged you not to turn into. Which seems to be the case.

I'm sorry for the fighting, I'm sorry for reading into things way to much, I am a girl but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'm sorry for the names I called you and the times where I annoyed you, which apparently was all the time. I'm sorry for doubting you and for the times when I argued with you. I'm sorry for not pointing you more to Christ so we might not have gotten to this point. I'm sorry for all the gas you wasted on driving me around. All the times I got mad when you didn't invite me places- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times where you brought me places out of guilt. I'm sorry for getting jealous of other girls and texts between you. I'm sorry I was the one person who made you the most mad and stressed out. I'm sorry I didn't care for you or love you enough. I'm sorry for calling you to pick me up when I thought my face was cut off. I'm sorry for the times I let you down.
But most of all, I'm sorry I somehow gave you permission to take advantage of me, to lie to me about our entire friendship, to disappear as if the last five years (last year in particular) never even happened.


If people think I didn't feel good enough before, they've got another thing coming. Call me ridiculous call me dramatic, but at least I have feelings, a heart and a soul that is trying to mend.

It's Virus Season

So, I took my laptop to Widener's ITS department because I couldn't connect to the internet and thought I'd have my laptop back by the end of the day, I thought wrong. It's been 6 days. ITS told me I have a massive virus on my computer and they're almost ready to wipe my hard drive... yay! (sarcasm) So you will have to excuse my absence from posting.

It has definitely been an interesting week though. Actually, it's been an interesting two months. And by interesting I mean the worst two months of my life. Explaining all of this to you would take forever so I'll give you the low-down.
It's no secret my family is crazy... And now I'm starting to question what that word means anymore, "family". My mom broke my bookshelf and everything on it by shoving it to the ground and my Grand-mom, she's made me start a countdown to when I can move out. The past two days have been like hell. I'm confused as to what people's definition's of the word "family" are because I think mine is a joke. My house is full of lies and secrets behind people's backs. And I know, I know, we all sin in out own special ways but this has gotten out of hand. My house has heard far too many curse words and yelling. Today especially was a reminder that nothing is safe or private since Facebook's were broken into and old messages were read and brought up...

I feel trapped. I've been torn between living at school next year or staying at home and commuting, I know can firmly say, I need to get out. Whether it be at Widener or halfway across the country. Since I'm not wanted, there's really no reason for me to stay anymore.

In the moments when I needed my friends the most, none of them were there. It wasn't their faults, they were busy with work and school and jobs but I couldn't help think of the one person who would of been there for me if they could have been. And I know for a fact they would have been there for me in an instant. Problem is, they're not here anymore. And as much as it feels like I'm stabbing myself to say this, it's not likely they will return. Since their life has moved on and I've been forgotten.

Au demain.

The Silence Reminds Me of How Alone I Really Am

Heads up readers (pretending people actually are reading any of this): With classes beginning again, college is consuming about 90% of my time now... so obviously my posts are going to be less frequent.

Before I sat down to write this post I laid in my bed in the darkness with the only sound being a ticking clock which coincidentally matched the pulse of my pounding headache. I'll probably be saying this for a while longer and I know I've said it before; I don't know how to be happy. I might be fine, but I'm not 'okay' at all. I think I've gotten better at hiding my feelings so people actually think I'm okay- which is probably really bad. But who even cares, right?

I feel like my whole world was just flipped upside down- probably because it was (I try to fool myself into thinking it wasn't) I think I'm still trying to figure out how to flip it back. There are so many memories that are constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of them; and I don't want to. I remember the good and the bad which can be a messy thing. Thankfully these memories are still vivid because if I ever get to the point where it feels like you were never here, let's just say, I will half laugh but also be worse than I am now.
I've tried to think positively about 2013, tried re-arranging my room, even painting it, to try and make it as close to a fresh start as possible but nothing is working. I'm still the same sad pathetic me I've always been.

I really don't know how you do it but you did it. You've gotten people to pity you and stay on your side, it's amazing really. Here's me applauding you- congratulations.
I just hope you're not finding pleasure and satisfaction in seeing me suffer and post things like this as well as sappy tweets that make it clear I'm distraught. Not that you can even blame me for being this way... but If you are, then you're even more of a coward than you were before.

I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

And so tonight is where I'm lying in my bed staring at the ceiling for far too many minutes thinking over the harsh words that were thrown at me. Also thinking about life, the future, the past, and over thinking. Yet still tears run down my face like raindrops sliding down a window. The teardrops somehow glisten- probably because I sleep under a window and the moonlight shines in. It's quiet, dark, and cold. The silence reminds me that I'm alone and there's nothing I can do to change that. The darkness hides my red eyes from lack of sleep, and the cold makes my arm hairs stick up and give me goosebumps.
The clock has barely passed 2am and I can't find a way to make my eyes shut. My brain is wide awake but my eyes are tired and wet- you'd think they'd be dry by now, but they're not. Time is not my friend right now. But apparently it's the only solution. Not sure if I fully agree with that though, but I have no say in this what-so-ever so what does my opinion or thoughts matter anyways?

I was with someone who never made me think I wasn't good enough but ended up telling me that I wasn't, yet I was with someone else who told me I was good enough but I was never able to believe it. And I especially don't believe it now- can you blame me?

There is so much more I could write here and I have typed and deleted so many sentences that I don't even know what else to say. If I did write anything else out you would all be frustrated and confused. So I'll spare you.

p.s- It's no secret I miss you, so don't sit there contemplating whether I do or not because you should know dang well that I do without even saying it.

My Deepest Thinking Happens In the Shower

A post about something other than my depressing situation and big sin?! GASP! It can't be! Well believe it people, but I should warn you that I am going to jump around a lot, probably hit several random topics, make some grammar/spelling errors, complaints, and make awkward phrases because I'm not peer-editing this post- fair warning.

Classes at Widener start Monday and I'm not even registered... I am basically forced to go there for the rest of this school year because I was lazy and didn't apply anywhere else for spring semester. My number one was West Chester University but now, I'm starting to have second thoughts... And this is big because I was borderline obsessed with their school and told myself I would do whatever it took to get in. Obviously that failed. Now, I don't know what I want. I think I'm finally come to the realization that I can't live at college, I have to work while in school. Sure you can get a job on campus but I have a great job now that will look great on a med school application. I need a sign or something or someone to tell me what to do, give me advice, guidance, anything!
I wish college didn't cost so much... My dilemma would be SO much easier to deal with. I also wish I could re-do my college applications, where I applied, how many I applied to, scholarships, and all that good stuff. I had no idea what I was doing, had it set in my mind that I was getting into my #1 school (which I obviously didn't)and applied WAY too late. Sadly, most wishes don't come true and time travel is not real.

It's a year of sacrifices as well. One of my new years resolutions is to reach out to people more and serve more. However, I had to decline an offer to serve at my church to avoid awkwardness with someone, because I know how much this area means to a certain someone. There's always next time...

I recently signed up for Explore at my church also. I think it's time and I've been waiting a long time for that feeling. It finally feels right.

My Aunt has been having a lot of stomach pains lately and we've all been joking that she's pregnant, haha, but she's definitely not. And now she's in the hospital and it is pretty serious. (more stress!)

I still don't have my license... enough said.

Today marked the 4th time I have tried to run outside on the streets by myself. And yet, I couldn't make it out the door. Fear lingers. Most of you can guess why this is. My mom thinks it's completely reasonable and she understands but I think she's just saying that to make me feel better. I however think I'm a wuss. I know I'm strong and I have a big God with me all the time yet I still can't make it out the door and take the first few steps. Loser status.
And I refuse to see a counselor so don't try and talk me into it...

I warned you this post was random, full of complaints, stress, and awkward topics.
Bottom line is, I need prayer. A lot of it and I'd really appreciate it if you could for me. And I need to trust that God works all things together for good, because it's been proven that he does and has.

Did I really just quote Bob Marley?

"You say you love rain, but you use and umbrella to walk under it.
You say you love sun, but you seek shade when it's shining.
You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your window.
So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me." correction: loved me.

Cry, Pray, Cry, Repeat?

I've been told a lot that I read into things too much and need to say what I feel instead of hiding my emotions. I'll admit I'm a crier, at movies, deaths, happy times, whatever. However, I try my hardest not to cry in front of others- it hasn't really been working so well. So here's my attempt at saying what I feel.

There are a ton of emotions I'm feeling now that continue on to the next day. I'm feeling hurt, sad, lonely, confused, misunderstood, angry, lost, and betrayed all at the same time. Notice how happy isn't one of them. Now, there are probably two kinds of people reading this post, the kind that think I'm being totally dramatic and exaggerating far too much, and the people who can relate and are understanding of my feelings. I don't care what you feel reading this. This is the one place where I don't have to hide anything or be afraid to write out how I'm feeling. There's no one telling me I'm wrong. Those of you who are reading this and are close with me might be seeing a different side of me and that's fine too. This is all these posts are- my emotions, and sadness and confusion. That and a place to be myself.

Now I begin to wonder why 'myself' wasn't "good enough" to be more and even just your friend. I put that in quotes because some of you might roll your eyes at that and tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just not sure what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong. I hate the emotions I'm feeling. I hate that I'm the only one feeling this way and that I don't know how to be happy. Life hasn't changed for you. And mine has, and I find that absurd.

I'm not sure where to go from here. What is the next step? Cry, pray, cry some more, and repeat? I don't want to forget about all of this. And even more so I don't want to be forgotten. I tried so hard to be unforgettable but it seems I didn't try hard enough. It's not right that I am being forced to sit here and wait for the day you tell yourself, "I think I'm okay now, I think Abby and I can talk again, let me give her a call." But of course you wouldn't call because you hate talking on the phone. I don't want to sit around and wait for that. I'm not saying I don't have faith in you, I'm saying you've made it very hard for me to believe you're going to change. Which is why your reasons for leaving, are bull.


It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

Bonne Annee

I find myself alone a lot. Sometimes the silence scares me, sometimes it reminds me that I lost my best friend, and other times it makes me cry. I'm going to be a coward and not admit that I absolutely hate it. I had somewhat gotten used to being alone because I always had someone to re-assure me that everything would be okay, that being alone is what made me strong. And now, it seems like that was all a lie. I cry like a baby, I spend way too much time sleeping and being lazy. I don't feel like I have any friends. I wish for far too many things to happen that don't come true. And I have very little hope for 2013. 2012 had its ups and downs and to name a few,
I...

- became legal, 18!
- graduated High School
- got kissed at midnight on my birthday
- went to Haiti, which changed my life
- got my permit, finally
- made a big mistake
- started college
- found a great job
- completed a half-marathon
- And lost a dear friend

There are of course dozens more but these are the best. To tell you the truth, until the end, 2012 was an awesome year. I am trying to be hopeful for 2013 but since everything is dark and depressing, I can't make any promises. However, this year I am hoping to complete another half-marathon in April, complete my first year of college, complete the Tough Mudder, grow the courage to contact my biological Father, and well most of you know the last one. There are some things I wish I could have done differently in 2012 but who isn't wishing that? I don't want to forget what happened in 2012- my sin reminds me of how much I need Jesus and how much I screwed up. I wish things were different and I still had some people in my life who have walked out, but I'm starting to think they don't want me anymore and maybe didn't want me in the first place. It breaks my heart but the truth hurts. Of course I'm making assumptions on that, but can you blame me?

It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. And I don't want to either. I can say with certainty that I couldn't even if I tried.




P.S- Don't worry, New Year's Eve wedding's are overrated.

18 Going On 25

I feel like a lot of people, mostly a lot of my friends, only want me when they need something, are dealing with a problem, or have nothing else to do. They say that this should make you feel flattered that these people come to you in time of need, but I'm feeling the farthest from that. Have I become distant with people? I feel like I don't have friends anymore. Even though I know I have a bunch of people who I know I can go to, I'm questioning which ones actually care about me. I have a lot of friends, just not a lot of really close ones. And recently just lost one of those. No one holds my hand and tells me everything is going to be alright or all work out anymore. No one tells me that I'm not a screw up anymore. It's not that I need compliments to feel better about myself or make my life go on, it's that when the few of you said them, I believed them. And now I'm struggling to believe anything. Actually, I'm struggling to feel anything at all.

I just need a lot of prayer. A lot. I can't give specifics because I myself don't even know how to pray for myself. I know what I need and want I just can't put all of that into words. I'm still feeling ashamed for my sin, which is probably the number one thing holding me back from growing closer to God and seeking him.

In just this short period of time, I think I've changed. I'm not dramatic or childish. I think very hard before I speak. I'm quieter and have been caring not one bit about others' opinions of myself. Obviously I'm not myself but maybe I'm turning into a "better" me- I guess time will tell. I'm not going to admit that I'm sad all the time, which I think I strangely just did, but this isn't me. I feel hopelessly lost. I'm lonely and confused. There's a hole in my heart that I want to be filled with Jesus but it hasn't been yet. It was filled with something else for so long that filling it again may take time. When the best part of me was always someone else and that someone else is gone, I'm not sure how to be the real me anymore.

You Broke my Heart but I Still Love You With All of the Pieces

Okay, okay I'll admit that my last post was done in the heat of the moment and written when I was very angry. Clearly. However, I don't regret it.

We've been friends for almost 5 years now, and it hasn't even been a month and I already feel like you're a completely different person. I know we're not talking right now but that doesn't mean awkwardly avoiding me and not giving me the time of day. Each time I look up to smile at you or at least look at you, your head immediately goes down. I look at the girls you have liked in the past and then I look at myself. I'm not sure what the difference between them and me was that I was only to be used. Of course I'd like to of done things differently but then I wouldn't have this period of teaching from God directing me onto the right path. Obviously I want you in my life, as my friend and haven't given up hope that we soon will be again, but for now I'm trying to put my faith in God that this is what is best right now. I just wish you would handle it differently/better.

Realizing that you don't miss me breaks my heart and I wish there was something I could do about it. Actually I wish there was something I could have done to prevent this. You'd think best friends would miss each other, but wait, you never considered us best friends in the first place so... It's just all so peculiar. I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

I'm So Stupid

You think that I want to see you happy? And that I want to see you doing better but not better than me? I want you to be completely deserted. I want all of your friends to leave you. I want you to hit rock bottom. I fell sick to my stomach knowing you are happy and are getting away with this. I could easily ruin your whole life. It's not fair that I'm the miserable one, that I'm the only one facing consequences and that I'm the one left with nothing and no one. I don't even know who you are anymore. This just goes to show that you really fooled me. I believed everything you said, even when I said I didn't, I did. You made me believe I was actually someone and something. It's clear you meant none of it. I take back all of the times I stuck up for you and complimented you to other people.I wish I hadn't been so stupid. You were the only one who understood me and knew exactly what to say. I don't have that anymore. And you of all people should feel like crap for that. My family is tearing me down and I am breaking. I have no where to run and no where to go. Thank you for all of this. Really. The last words you spoke to me were so fake that I can't comprehend how I even thought they were true in the first place.

And just like always, I don't hate you. However, I can firmly say now, I wish I did.

The Starting Line

Does it still count as crying if your eyes well up with tears but they don't actually fall down your face?

I start my new job today and I have a million and one distractions tugging at my sleeves and even at my eyes. I guess this is good practice for when I become a surgeon. I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait for school to start again. I'll probably change my mind once I'm halfway through the semester because it's a whole lot harder than the last, but right now I need a distraction to distract me from all of my other distractions. Does that make sense? On Sunday I told someone that I felt like I wasn't thinking about this situation as much. I think I was kidding myself. I'm not sure why today is especially hard but for some reason it is. Maybe because I've been listening to the song below on repeat... Maybe I told him that I'm not thinking as much about this because despite everything being dark I've been catching glimpses of sunlight, very small ones, but they're there. In no way does this give me hope or make me feel better but it's a start.

In My Veins -Andrew Belle