Wake Me Up From This Dream

I need answers. The question's and thought's I torture myself with are eating me alive. I can't do it anymore.
Why is this my fault?
Why aren't you hurt or upset?
How come suddenly I mean so little to you?
What did I do wrong?
Where did I go wrong?
Was everything fake?
Was this your plan all along?
Why didn't I see this coming?
What do I do now?

If some of these questions sound crazy it's because I AM going crazy. Every wall I built up has been torn down and no matter how hard I try to build them back up, I cant. They fall right back down and there is nothing I can so about that. Its the little things where you think, what happened here and what do I do now?" My exact thoughts all the time, 24/7.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be the reason why.

I Am Tired of The Tears

Things haven't gotten better. If anything, they've gotten worse. When I say I'm alone, I don't mean for that to be a complaint- it's simply the truth. Do I like it? Of course not, but that's the way it has to be. I'm not going to pretend that I'm "okay" when I'm the farthest thing from it. That to me, is weakness. Own up to your feelings and emotions. Unless you have no feelings and you're the cold hearted little boy I begged you not to turn into. Which seems to be the case.

I'm sorry for the fighting, I'm sorry for reading into things way to much, I am a girl but that shouldn't be an excuse. I'm sorry for the names I called you and the times where I annoyed you, which apparently was all the time. I'm sorry for doubting you and for the times when I argued with you. I'm sorry for not pointing you more to Christ so we might not have gotten to this point. I'm sorry for all the gas you wasted on driving me around. All the times I got mad when you didn't invite me places- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the times where you brought me places out of guilt. I'm sorry for getting jealous of other girls and texts between you. I'm sorry I was the one person who made you the most mad and stressed out. I'm sorry I didn't care for you or love you enough. I'm sorry for calling you to pick me up when I thought my face was cut off. I'm sorry for the times I let you down.
But most of all, I'm sorry I somehow gave you permission to take advantage of me, to lie to me about our entire friendship, to disappear as if the last five years (last year in particular) never even happened.


If people think I didn't feel good enough before, they've got another thing coming. Call me ridiculous call me dramatic, but at least I have feelings, a heart and a soul that is trying to mend.

It's Virus Season

So, I took my laptop to Widener's ITS department because I couldn't connect to the internet and thought I'd have my laptop back by the end of the day, I thought wrong. It's been 6 days. ITS told me I have a massive virus on my computer and they're almost ready to wipe my hard drive... yay! (sarcasm) So you will have to excuse my absence from posting.

It has definitely been an interesting week though. Actually, it's been an interesting two months. And by interesting I mean the worst two months of my life. Explaining all of this to you would take forever so I'll give you the low-down.
It's no secret my family is crazy... And now I'm starting to question what that word means anymore, "family". My mom broke my bookshelf and everything on it by shoving it to the ground and my Grand-mom, she's made me start a countdown to when I can move out. The past two days have been like hell. I'm confused as to what people's definition's of the word "family" are because I think mine is a joke. My house is full of lies and secrets behind people's backs. And I know, I know, we all sin in out own special ways but this has gotten out of hand. My house has heard far too many curse words and yelling. Today especially was a reminder that nothing is safe or private since Facebook's were broken into and old messages were read and brought up...

I feel trapped. I've been torn between living at school next year or staying at home and commuting, I know can firmly say, I need to get out. Whether it be at Widener or halfway across the country. Since I'm not wanted, there's really no reason for me to stay anymore.

In the moments when I needed my friends the most, none of them were there. It wasn't their faults, they were busy with work and school and jobs but I couldn't help think of the one person who would of been there for me if they could have been. And I know for a fact they would have been there for me in an instant. Problem is, they're not here anymore. And as much as it feels like I'm stabbing myself to say this, it's not likely they will return. Since their life has moved on and I've been forgotten.

Au demain.

The Silence Reminds Me of How Alone I Really Am

Heads up readers (pretending people actually are reading any of this): With classes beginning again, college is consuming about 90% of my time now... so obviously my posts are going to be less frequent.

Before I sat down to write this post I laid in my bed in the darkness with the only sound being a ticking clock which coincidentally matched the pulse of my pounding headache. I'll probably be saying this for a while longer and I know I've said it before; I don't know how to be happy. I might be fine, but I'm not 'okay' at all. I think I've gotten better at hiding my feelings so people actually think I'm okay- which is probably really bad. But who even cares, right?

I feel like my whole world was just flipped upside down- probably because it was (I try to fool myself into thinking it wasn't) I think I'm still trying to figure out how to flip it back. There are so many memories that are constantly on my mind, and I can't get rid of them; and I don't want to. I remember the good and the bad which can be a messy thing. Thankfully these memories are still vivid because if I ever get to the point where it feels like you were never here, let's just say, I will half laugh but also be worse than I am now.
I've tried to think positively about 2013, tried re-arranging my room, even painting it, to try and make it as close to a fresh start as possible but nothing is working. I'm still the same sad pathetic me I've always been.

I really don't know how you do it but you did it. You've gotten people to pity you and stay on your side, it's amazing really. Here's me applauding you- congratulations.
I just hope you're not finding pleasure and satisfaction in seeing me suffer and post things like this as well as sappy tweets that make it clear I'm distraught. Not that you can even blame me for being this way... but If you are, then you're even more of a coward than you were before.

I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore

And so tonight is where I'm lying in my bed staring at the ceiling for far too many minutes thinking over the harsh words that were thrown at me. Also thinking about life, the future, the past, and over thinking. Yet still tears run down my face like raindrops sliding down a window. The teardrops somehow glisten- probably because I sleep under a window and the moonlight shines in. It's quiet, dark, and cold. The silence reminds me that I'm alone and there's nothing I can do to change that. The darkness hides my red eyes from lack of sleep, and the cold makes my arm hairs stick up and give me goosebumps.
The clock has barely passed 2am and I can't find a way to make my eyes shut. My brain is wide awake but my eyes are tired and wet- you'd think they'd be dry by now, but they're not. Time is not my friend right now. But apparently it's the only solution. Not sure if I fully agree with that though, but I have no say in this what-so-ever so what does my opinion or thoughts matter anyways?

I was with someone who never made me think I wasn't good enough but ended up telling me that I wasn't, yet I was with someone else who told me I was good enough but I was never able to believe it. And I especially don't believe it now- can you blame me?

There is so much more I could write here and I have typed and deleted so many sentences that I don't even know what else to say. If I did write anything else out you would all be frustrated and confused. So I'll spare you.

p.s- It's no secret I miss you, so don't sit there contemplating whether I do or not because you should know dang well that I do without even saying it.

My Deepest Thinking Happens In the Shower

A post about something other than my depressing situation and big sin?! GASP! It can't be! Well believe it people, but I should warn you that I am going to jump around a lot, probably hit several random topics, make some grammar/spelling errors, complaints, and make awkward phrases because I'm not peer-editing this post- fair warning.

Classes at Widener start Monday and I'm not even registered... I am basically forced to go there for the rest of this school year because I was lazy and didn't apply anywhere else for spring semester. My number one was West Chester University but now, I'm starting to have second thoughts... And this is big because I was borderline obsessed with their school and told myself I would do whatever it took to get in. Obviously that failed. Now, I don't know what I want. I think I'm finally come to the realization that I can't live at college, I have to work while in school. Sure you can get a job on campus but I have a great job now that will look great on a med school application. I need a sign or something or someone to tell me what to do, give me advice, guidance, anything!
I wish college didn't cost so much... My dilemma would be SO much easier to deal with. I also wish I could re-do my college applications, where I applied, how many I applied to, scholarships, and all that good stuff. I had no idea what I was doing, had it set in my mind that I was getting into my #1 school (which I obviously didn't)and applied WAY too late. Sadly, most wishes don't come true and time travel is not real.

It's a year of sacrifices as well. One of my new years resolutions is to reach out to people more and serve more. However, I had to decline an offer to serve at my church to avoid awkwardness with someone, because I know how much this area means to a certain someone. There's always next time...

I recently signed up for Explore at my church also. I think it's time and I've been waiting a long time for that feeling. It finally feels right.

My Aunt has been having a lot of stomach pains lately and we've all been joking that she's pregnant, haha, but she's definitely not. And now she's in the hospital and it is pretty serious. (more stress!)

I still don't have my license... enough said.

Today marked the 4th time I have tried to run outside on the streets by myself. And yet, I couldn't make it out the door. Fear lingers. Most of you can guess why this is. My mom thinks it's completely reasonable and she understands but I think she's just saying that to make me feel better. I however think I'm a wuss. I know I'm strong and I have a big God with me all the time yet I still can't make it out the door and take the first few steps. Loser status.
And I refuse to see a counselor so don't try and talk me into it...

I warned you this post was random, full of complaints, stress, and awkward topics.
Bottom line is, I need prayer. A lot of it and I'd really appreciate it if you could for me. And I need to trust that God works all things together for good, because it's been proven that he does and has.

Did I really just quote Bob Marley?

"You say you love rain, but you use and umbrella to walk under it.
You say you love sun, but you seek shade when it's shining.
You say you love wind, but when it comes you close your window.
So that's why I'm scared when you say you love me." correction: loved me.

Cry, Pray, Cry, Repeat?

I've been told a lot that I read into things too much and need to say what I feel instead of hiding my emotions. I'll admit I'm a crier, at movies, deaths, happy times, whatever. However, I try my hardest not to cry in front of others- it hasn't really been working so well. So here's my attempt at saying what I feel.

There are a ton of emotions I'm feeling now that continue on to the next day. I'm feeling hurt, sad, lonely, confused, misunderstood, angry, lost, and betrayed all at the same time. Notice how happy isn't one of them. Now, there are probably two kinds of people reading this post, the kind that think I'm being totally dramatic and exaggerating far too much, and the people who can relate and are understanding of my feelings. I don't care what you feel reading this. This is the one place where I don't have to hide anything or be afraid to write out how I'm feeling. There's no one telling me I'm wrong. Those of you who are reading this and are close with me might be seeing a different side of me and that's fine too. This is all these posts are- my emotions, and sadness and confusion. That and a place to be myself.

Now I begin to wonder why 'myself' wasn't "good enough" to be more and even just your friend. I put that in quotes because some of you might roll your eyes at that and tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm just not sure what I did wrong or what I'm doing wrong. I hate the emotions I'm feeling. I hate that I'm the only one feeling this way and that I don't know how to be happy. Life hasn't changed for you. And mine has, and I find that absurd.

I'm not sure where to go from here. What is the next step? Cry, pray, cry some more, and repeat? I don't want to forget about all of this. And even more so I don't want to be forgotten. I tried so hard to be unforgettable but it seems I didn't try hard enough. It's not right that I am being forced to sit here and wait for the day you tell yourself, "I think I'm okay now, I think Abby and I can talk again, let me give her a call." But of course you wouldn't call because you hate talking on the phone. I don't want to sit around and wait for that. I'm not saying I don't have faith in you, I'm saying you've made it very hard for me to believe you're going to change. Which is why your reasons for leaving, are bull.


It's hard to wait around for something you know may never happen, but it's even harder to stop waiting when you know it's everything you want.

Bonne Annee

I find myself alone a lot. Sometimes the silence scares me, sometimes it reminds me that I lost my best friend, and other times it makes me cry. I'm going to be a coward and not admit that I absolutely hate it. I had somewhat gotten used to being alone because I always had someone to re-assure me that everything would be okay, that being alone is what made me strong. And now, it seems like that was all a lie. I cry like a baby, I spend way too much time sleeping and being lazy. I don't feel like I have any friends. I wish for far too many things to happen that don't come true. And I have very little hope for 2013. 2012 had its ups and downs and to name a few,
I...

- became legal, 18!
- graduated High School
- got kissed at midnight on my birthday
- went to Haiti, which changed my life
- got my permit, finally
- made a big mistake
- started college
- found a great job
- completed a half-marathon
- And lost a dear friend

There are of course dozens more but these are the best. To tell you the truth, until the end, 2012 was an awesome year. I am trying to be hopeful for 2013 but since everything is dark and depressing, I can't make any promises. However, this year I am hoping to complete another half-marathon in April, complete my first year of college, complete the Tough Mudder, grow the courage to contact my biological Father, and well most of you know the last one. There are some things I wish I could have done differently in 2012 but who isn't wishing that? I don't want to forget what happened in 2012- my sin reminds me of how much I need Jesus and how much I screwed up. I wish things were different and I still had some people in my life who have walked out, but I'm starting to think they don't want me anymore and maybe didn't want me in the first place. It breaks my heart but the truth hurts. Of course I'm making assumptions on that, but can you blame me?

It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember. And I don't want to either. I can say with certainty that I couldn't even if I tried.




P.S- Don't worry, New Year's Eve wedding's are overrated.

18 Going On 25

I feel like a lot of people, mostly a lot of my friends, only want me when they need something, are dealing with a problem, or have nothing else to do. They say that this should make you feel flattered that these people come to you in time of need, but I'm feeling the farthest from that. Have I become distant with people? I feel like I don't have friends anymore. Even though I know I have a bunch of people who I know I can go to, I'm questioning which ones actually care about me. I have a lot of friends, just not a lot of really close ones. And recently just lost one of those. No one holds my hand and tells me everything is going to be alright or all work out anymore. No one tells me that I'm not a screw up anymore. It's not that I need compliments to feel better about myself or make my life go on, it's that when the few of you said them, I believed them. And now I'm struggling to believe anything. Actually, I'm struggling to feel anything at all.

I just need a lot of prayer. A lot. I can't give specifics because I myself don't even know how to pray for myself. I know what I need and want I just can't put all of that into words. I'm still feeling ashamed for my sin, which is probably the number one thing holding me back from growing closer to God and seeking him.

In just this short period of time, I think I've changed. I'm not dramatic or childish. I think very hard before I speak. I'm quieter and have been caring not one bit about others' opinions of myself. Obviously I'm not myself but maybe I'm turning into a "better" me- I guess time will tell. I'm not going to admit that I'm sad all the time, which I think I strangely just did, but this isn't me. I feel hopelessly lost. I'm lonely and confused. There's a hole in my heart that I want to be filled with Jesus but it hasn't been yet. It was filled with something else for so long that filling it again may take time. When the best part of me was always someone else and that someone else is gone, I'm not sure how to be the real me anymore.

You Broke my Heart but I Still Love You With All of the Pieces

Okay, okay I'll admit that my last post was done in the heat of the moment and written when I was very angry. Clearly. However, I don't regret it.

We've been friends for almost 5 years now, and it hasn't even been a month and I already feel like you're a completely different person. I know we're not talking right now but that doesn't mean awkwardly avoiding me and not giving me the time of day. Each time I look up to smile at you or at least look at you, your head immediately goes down. I look at the girls you have liked in the past and then I look at myself. I'm not sure what the difference between them and me was that I was only to be used. Of course I'd like to of done things differently but then I wouldn't have this period of teaching from God directing me onto the right path. Obviously I want you in my life, as my friend and haven't given up hope that we soon will be again, but for now I'm trying to put my faith in God that this is what is best right now. I just wish you would handle it differently/better.

Realizing that you don't miss me breaks my heart and I wish there was something I could do about it. Actually I wish there was something I could have done to prevent this. You'd think best friends would miss each other, but wait, you never considered us best friends in the first place so... It's just all so peculiar. I feel like I don't even know you anymore.

I'm So Stupid

You think that I want to see you happy? And that I want to see you doing better but not better than me? I want you to be completely deserted. I want all of your friends to leave you. I want you to hit rock bottom. I fell sick to my stomach knowing you are happy and are getting away with this. I could easily ruin your whole life. It's not fair that I'm the miserable one, that I'm the only one facing consequences and that I'm the one left with nothing and no one. I don't even know who you are anymore. This just goes to show that you really fooled me. I believed everything you said, even when I said I didn't, I did. You made me believe I was actually someone and something. It's clear you meant none of it. I take back all of the times I stuck up for you and complimented you to other people.I wish I hadn't been so stupid. You were the only one who understood me and knew exactly what to say. I don't have that anymore. And you of all people should feel like crap for that. My family is tearing me down and I am breaking. I have no where to run and no where to go. Thank you for all of this. Really. The last words you spoke to me were so fake that I can't comprehend how I even thought they were true in the first place.

And just like always, I don't hate you. However, I can firmly say now, I wish I did.

The Starting Line

Does it still count as crying if your eyes well up with tears but they don't actually fall down your face?

I start my new job today and I have a million and one distractions tugging at my sleeves and even at my eyes. I guess this is good practice for when I become a surgeon. I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait for school to start again. I'll probably change my mind once I'm halfway through the semester because it's a whole lot harder than the last, but right now I need a distraction to distract me from all of my other distractions. Does that make sense? On Sunday I told someone that I felt like I wasn't thinking about this situation as much. I think I was kidding myself. I'm not sure why today is especially hard but for some reason it is. Maybe because I've been listening to the song below on repeat... Maybe I told him that I'm not thinking as much about this because despite everything being dark I've been catching glimpses of sunlight, very small ones, but they're there. In no way does this give me hope or make me feel better but it's a start.

In My Veins -Andrew Belle

Vingt

It's been 20 days. 20 days that feel like 20 weeks. And now, I have to stare at your Christmas present until I decide to throw it away or give it to you a year that we are actually talking.

At first I thought your sub-tweets were a little much but I mean I was sub-tweeting just as much. Now when I see them it gives me a sigh of relief. That you're still alive. And that you haven't totally forgotten about me and this situation. However, there are still those moments where I get a pain in my stomach because I see you happy. I'm not expecting you to condemn yourself to your house and no friends for the rest of your life but when I see you happy it makes me sad. I wish I could be happy. I'm angry because I can't make you happy anymore- and I'm starting to question if I even did in the first place.

I'm not really sure what the point of not talking is. You clearly are still subjecting yourself to temptations. So the reasons you told me were false. I'm astounded as to how you can do this to me. The emotions I have written in these posts don't even come close to the amount of hurt I'm feeling. The ONLY one who is facing consequences here, is me. You have everything right in front of you- including people giving you pity. You've left me with nothing. I have no one to go to, and no one I really want to go to anymore. I don't care about my reputation so in a way I do hope everyone finds out about this. There's nothing that I can do that will make you come back, or like me, or be my friend again. I've done all of it already. I failed and wasn't good enough.

I know that you're trying to keep my around for when your plan A fails. I don't want to be a second option but you've made me feel like one. This is seriously all up to you. YOU get to decide when we talk again and YOU get to decide if we're friends again. It makes me sick. Soon you'll realize, (if you haven't already) that you don't need me as a friend anymore, then it will turn into you not wanting me anymore, and finally turning into you forgetting all about me. It's not fair that I have to wait around for you. Especially because the weight of this is mostly on you. I've given you grace for a long time and have seen minimal change. Although I have faith, I don't see how this time of giving you grace will be any different than the last. You say you're willing to change but NO one sees any gestures toward making those changes reality.
Maybe you should listen to someone other than yourself for a change.

Breakeven

I've been staring at my computer screen for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words. I feel like I have nothing left to say but at the same time I feel like I haven't said enough. It's becoming harder and harder to write this out. The next logical thing to do would probably be to stop writing. I can't. Writing helps me and it feels like the right thing to do for now. Even though we're not communicating I am pretty sure that I have said almost everything that I would say to your face if I could, here in my last few posts.

It's been 12 days. That's it. Most of the time I am trying to keep myself busy but even in those busy times there's still those moments where I pause to think of you. Those moments kill me, because I know that you don't have those moments where you think of me. I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me. I mean I have always thought there was, especially in this situation. And if any of you readers come to me and try to give me compliments and try and change my mind that there isn't something wrong with me, I can already tell you it's not going to work. If you wanted me, you would have me. I'm not sure why I never questioned all of this being done in secret. I wish you were proud of me and wanted to show me off to your friends, and weren't ashamed of being seen with me. No matter what you say or have said, you have always cared about what other people thought of you and especially us. I guess I got caught up in it all and was put under your "spell" since I didn't see any of that until recently. Whenever I tell my mom that I wish I hated you right now, she goes, "Wow.. he's still got his hooks dug so deep in you".

There's a song by The Script called, 'Breakeven' and the line that is standing out to me like a flashing light is,
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
and what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?"

^^^^^^^ Story of my life. It half hurts and half disgusts me- the 'okay' part, that is.

I haven't changed my thoughts yet, I think I'm still 50/50 when I say I hope you read this / never ever see it. Maybe someday I'll ask you if you have ever read it and maybe I'll even show it to you. But that would mean we would be talking again and I think I'm just getting ahead of myself, because as far as I am concerned you could care less if we ever talked again.
Think about it, if your best friend never wanted to talk to you again, how would you feel? And on top of that, questioning if they were even really your friend at all?

Mind blowing.

This Doesn't Need a Title

You are the sole reason that I am lying awake right now, at 2:06 am. I fight myself and argue with my emotions going back and forth between angry, hurt, sad, furious, and all of the above. Notice how happy wasn't in there. I cry every single day. I have to fight myself not to break-down. The lies you fed me when we last talked are enough to make me vomit. I am hanging on by a thread and am very close to ruining the life you now have and watching it crumble around you. It has become crystal clear to me that you are not taking this seriously and think that if this stays hidden we can move on. I sure as hell cannot. And if you can, good for you- that just proves that you are a heartless scumbag.

I never was one to point out the bad in you. I stuck up for you every chance I got and NEVER left your side. I think you forget how many times I have had your back. I have a chance to do some real damage. The part that sucks most, is that you already know that I can never hate you, and that I will do anything for you, and will always love you as a friend. I think that is what made it so easy for you to take advantage of me. You have taken things from me that I cannot get back. No matter how much I try, it cannot be given back to me, it's yours forever. And right now, that makes me sick. I am trying so hard to hold on to the person I thought you were and the person you were to me. I only listened to you and myself. Everyone told me to get out a long time ago, they felt I was trapped. They knew you treated me like dirt and knew your actions were to serve only yourself. I lied to myself for a long time. The fact that you are still hurting me and we're not even talking is ASTOUNDING. I laugh when I think about this situation because you don't care one bit. You go around with your fake exterior getting people to believe that what they are seeing is the real you. It's impressive. We all know you're emotionless, but heartless? That's a new one.

Life isn't fair, and life is about making choices. I know I made my choice and have also sinned. But you took advantage of me. You played me like a fiddle and made me believe so many lies it's unbelievable. I miss you more than you know, but I think most of my pain is coming from what you've done. I never would have thought that this would have happened. Especially not from you. Which is why I feel like you're a complete stranger to me and that our friendship was surreal. I miss you, even after all of this. And I miss the person I was when I was with you.

I cannot fathom why I still want to be your friend. Why I want to talk to you and can't bare the thought of never talking to you again. I've never been one to speak highly of myself, but the last two lines I just wrote should say something.

Anger

I have been silent from the posts for bit now because I am angry beyond all compare. The one person who I thought I could trust most and who I thought had my back threw me under the bus. In a big way. There is no way to undo what you have done and the pain you have caused me. I'm not going to lie that I'm fine, over you, and forgiving of what you have done. I think it's perfectly acceptable to not be at that point yet. It's going to be a while. What I cannot fathom is how you are living life as if none of this is real. You're afraid to reveal your sin to others for the fear of man. It KILLS me to see you having an awesome time with your friends because I am banishing myself for this sin. I do not feel like I deserve to be happy or having fun having the sin on me that I do. This sin is going to be very difficult for me to accept that Christ has cleansed me of.

Everyone on this planet knows that you're emotionless and that whatever you are doing, which is nothing, isn't helping. I can't believe I cried over you and felt sorry for you. I regret standing up for you and having your back all of the times I did. The using me part was one thing, but lying to a detective about an incident and throwing me under the bus is crossing the line. You will never feel the pain I've felt or know the extent to which you hurt me. You took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable and what you did is unacceptable.

I'm unsure as to why it has taken me this long to see that you have only done things for yourself and to serve yourself. I'm not sure I even believe that you ever cared about me. Everyone always feels bad for you and now I've had enough of it. It's time to man up and admit your mistake. I can already tell that you don't have a clue about how wrong this was and how wrong you're handling it. I am at a loss for words. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, that the person I knew put on a front for me and all I saw was the first layer. I refrain from calling your image 'fake' because that word is very hurtful. However, I never ever thought that all of this would happen, especially from you.
A close friend said, "It's become very clear to me and everyone else that he doesn't care about you and is keeping you around for when his plan doesn't work out." Very hard words to hear, However, it's what I needed to hear.

But here I am not hating you and still hoping to be friends in the future. And promising that I will always love you. I've never felt good enough for you and your actions have proved it. Maybe it's time that I listen to the wisdom of my friends and have some faith in myself, but more importantly have some faith in God to bring me out of this and into the person that I'm supposed to be; not the person I was with you. I'm trying so hard to find my way back but I keep thinking about you. Everything is about you, and I can't make it stop. The thing that kills me the most is that I can already feel you forgetting me. By the kind of friendship we had this shouldn't be the case.

This is me trying to change. To believe it other must see it. I have had boundless amounts of grace for you for 5 years. If in 5 years you're still the same person then this was all a lie and I once again give you pity. Please prove me wrong.

12/12/12

One year ago at 11:11pm on 11/11/11 I was sitting near the river in Philadelphia looking out on the water. The lights of the city glistened off the water and the air was frigid. I listened as my best friend poured out his past and past mistakes to me. Saying we had a 'heart-to-heart' sounds so cheesy but essentially that's what is was. Of course it being 11/11/11 we made our wishes at 11:11pm just like almost every other 11:11, except of course this was one was special. It was a great night. It really was.

Just a few months ago, I had said that we had to do something for 12:12pm on 12/12/12. We didn't think of anything but I was sure that we would have. Even just talking about it would have sufficed for me.

But here I am sitting at a computer at college, blogging about what I wish I could be doing right now.

My do things change.

Finals Shminals

I guess I should post about something other than what I've been posting about. However, this one will be almost as depressing as the past ones so if you are in a great mood I suggest you just stop reading right now, but if you're depressed and sad, read on!

It's finals week here at good ole Widener University. Yesterday I took my math and English finals, which were CAKE. Today I took my Biology final which just straight up raped me, my mind is blown from it. I'm not even sure we went over half the material on it. In 4 hours I take my French final and I let me tell you, I am contemplating not going... French scares me, even though I'm not awful at it, this year has been rough. I need some kind of motivational pep-talk before I go in there or something, so if you can think of anything, anything at all, send them my way.

So after I fail my two finals for the day I get to go on winter break, sweet reward. A bittersweet reward though, since my only distractions are coming to an end. I am psyched.

If you're reading this and saying to yourself, "wow she is just one big negative Nancy." You're right. I'm not really sure I can help it anymore, sorry. I'm trying to be happy, I really am. It's just not there. Especially not after last night.