It's been 20 days. 20 days that feel like 20 weeks. And now, I have to stare at your Christmas present until I decide to throw it away or give it to you a year that we are actually talking.
At first I thought your sub-tweets were a little much but I mean I was sub-tweeting just as much. Now when I see them it gives me a sigh of relief. That you're still alive. And that you haven't totally forgotten about me and this situation. However, there are still those moments where I get a pain in my stomach because I see you happy. I'm not expecting you to condemn yourself to your house and no friends for the rest of your life but when I see you happy it makes me sad. I wish I could be happy. I'm angry because I can't make you happy anymore- and I'm starting to question if I even did in the first place.
I'm not really sure what the point of not talking is. You clearly are still subjecting yourself to temptations. So the reasons you told me were false. I'm astounded as to how you can do this to me. The emotions I have written in these posts don't even come close to the amount of hurt I'm feeling. The ONLY one who is facing consequences here, is me. You have everything right in front of you- including people giving you pity. You've left me with nothing. I have no one to go to, and no one I really want to go to anymore. I don't care about my reputation so in a way I do hope everyone finds out about this. There's nothing that I can do that will make you come back, or like me, or be my friend again. I've done all of it already. I failed and wasn't good enough.
I know that you're trying to keep my around for when your plan A fails. I don't want to be a second option but you've made me feel like one. This is seriously all up to you. YOU get to decide when we talk again and YOU get to decide if we're friends again. It makes me sick. Soon you'll realize, (if you haven't already) that you don't need me as a friend anymore, then it will turn into you not wanting me anymore, and finally turning into you forgetting all about me. It's not fair that I have to wait around for you. Especially because the weight of this is mostly on you. I've given you grace for a long time and have seen minimal change. Although I have faith, I don't see how this time of giving you grace will be any different than the last. You say you're willing to change but NO one sees any gestures toward making those changes reality.
Maybe you should listen to someone other than yourself for a change.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Breakeven
I've been staring at my computer screen for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out how to put my feelings into words. I feel like I have nothing left to say but at the same time I feel like I haven't said enough. It's becoming harder and harder to write this out. The next logical thing to do would probably be to stop writing. I can't. Writing helps me and it feels like the right thing to do for now. Even though we're not communicating I am pretty sure that I have said almost everything that I would say to your face if I could, here in my last few posts.
It's been 12 days. That's it. Most of the time I am trying to keep myself busy but even in those busy times there's still those moments where I pause to think of you. Those moments kill me, because I know that you don't have those moments where you think of me. I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me. I mean I have always thought there was, especially in this situation. And if any of you readers come to me and try to give me compliments and try and change my mind that there isn't something wrong with me, I can already tell you it's not going to work. If you wanted me, you would have me. I'm not sure why I never questioned all of this being done in secret. I wish you were proud of me and wanted to show me off to your friends, and weren't ashamed of being seen with me. No matter what you say or have said, you have always cared about what other people thought of you and especially us. I guess I got caught up in it all and was put under your "spell" since I didn't see any of that until recently. Whenever I tell my mom that I wish I hated you right now, she goes, "Wow.. he's still got his hooks dug so deep in you".
There's a song by The Script called, 'Breakeven' and the line that is standing out to me like a flashing light is,
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
and what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?"
^^^^^^^ Story of my life. It half hurts and half disgusts me- the 'okay' part, that is.
I haven't changed my thoughts yet, I think I'm still 50/50 when I say I hope you read this / never ever see it. Maybe someday I'll ask you if you have ever read it and maybe I'll even show it to you. But that would mean we would be talking again and I think I'm just getting ahead of myself, because as far as I am concerned you could care less if we ever talked again.
Think about it, if your best friend never wanted to talk to you again, how would you feel? And on top of that, questioning if they were even really your friend at all?
Mind blowing.
It's been 12 days. That's it. Most of the time I am trying to keep myself busy but even in those busy times there's still those moments where I pause to think of you. Those moments kill me, because I know that you don't have those moments where you think of me. I can't help thinking that there is something wrong with me. I mean I have always thought there was, especially in this situation. And if any of you readers come to me and try to give me compliments and try and change my mind that there isn't something wrong with me, I can already tell you it's not going to work. If you wanted me, you would have me. I'm not sure why I never questioned all of this being done in secret. I wish you were proud of me and wanted to show me off to your friends, and weren't ashamed of being seen with me. No matter what you say or have said, you have always cared about what other people thought of you and especially us. I guess I got caught up in it all and was put under your "spell" since I didn't see any of that until recently. Whenever I tell my mom that I wish I hated you right now, she goes, "Wow.. he's still got his hooks dug so deep in you".
There's a song by The Script called, 'Breakeven' and the line that is standing out to me like a flashing light is,
"What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,
and what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?"
^^^^^^^ Story of my life. It half hurts and half disgusts me- the 'okay' part, that is.
I haven't changed my thoughts yet, I think I'm still 50/50 when I say I hope you read this / never ever see it. Maybe someday I'll ask you if you have ever read it and maybe I'll even show it to you. But that would mean we would be talking again and I think I'm just getting ahead of myself, because as far as I am concerned you could care less if we ever talked again.
Think about it, if your best friend never wanted to talk to you again, how would you feel? And on top of that, questioning if they were even really your friend at all?
Mind blowing.
Monday, December 17, 2012
This Doesn't Need a Title
You are the sole reason that I am lying awake right now, at 2:06 am. I fight myself and argue with my emotions going back and forth between angry, hurt, sad, furious, and all of the above. Notice how happy wasn't in there. I cry every single day. I have to fight myself not to break-down. The lies you fed me when we last talked are enough to make me vomit. I am hanging on by a thread and am very close to ruining the life you now have and watching it crumble around you. It has become crystal clear to me that you are not taking this seriously and think that if this stays hidden we can move on. I sure as hell cannot. And if you can, good for you- that just proves that you are a heartless scumbag.
I never was one to point out the bad in you. I stuck up for you every chance I got and NEVER left your side. I think you forget how many times I have had your back. I have a chance to do some real damage. The part that sucks most, is that you already know that I can never hate you, and that I will do anything for you, and will always love you as a friend. I think that is what made it so easy for you to take advantage of me. You have taken things from me that I cannot get back. No matter how much I try, it cannot be given back to me, it's yours forever. And right now, that makes me sick. I am trying so hard to hold on to the person I thought you were and the person you were to me. I only listened to you and myself. Everyone told me to get out a long time ago, they felt I was trapped. They knew you treated me like dirt and knew your actions were to serve only yourself. I lied to myself for a long time. The fact that you are still hurting me and we're not even talking is ASTOUNDING. I laugh when I think about this situation because you don't care one bit. You go around with your fake exterior getting people to believe that what they are seeing is the real you. It's impressive. We all know you're emotionless, but heartless? That's a new one.
Life isn't fair, and life is about making choices. I know I made my choice and have also sinned. But you took advantage of me. You played me like a fiddle and made me believe so many lies it's unbelievable. I miss you more than you know, but I think most of my pain is coming from what you've done. I never would have thought that this would have happened. Especially not from you. Which is why I feel like you're a complete stranger to me and that our friendship was surreal. I miss you, even after all of this. And I miss the person I was when I was with you.
I cannot fathom why I still want to be your friend. Why I want to talk to you and can't bare the thought of never talking to you again. I've never been one to speak highly of myself, but the last two lines I just wrote should say something.
I never was one to point out the bad in you. I stuck up for you every chance I got and NEVER left your side. I think you forget how many times I have had your back. I have a chance to do some real damage. The part that sucks most, is that you already know that I can never hate you, and that I will do anything for you, and will always love you as a friend. I think that is what made it so easy for you to take advantage of me. You have taken things from me that I cannot get back. No matter how much I try, it cannot be given back to me, it's yours forever. And right now, that makes me sick. I am trying so hard to hold on to the person I thought you were and the person you were to me. I only listened to you and myself. Everyone told me to get out a long time ago, they felt I was trapped. They knew you treated me like dirt and knew your actions were to serve only yourself. I lied to myself for a long time. The fact that you are still hurting me and we're not even talking is ASTOUNDING. I laugh when I think about this situation because you don't care one bit. You go around with your fake exterior getting people to believe that what they are seeing is the real you. It's impressive. We all know you're emotionless, but heartless? That's a new one.
Life isn't fair, and life is about making choices. I know I made my choice and have also sinned. But you took advantage of me. You played me like a fiddle and made me believe so many lies it's unbelievable. I miss you more than you know, but I think most of my pain is coming from what you've done. I never would have thought that this would have happened. Especially not from you. Which is why I feel like you're a complete stranger to me and that our friendship was surreal. I miss you, even after all of this. And I miss the person I was when I was with you.
I cannot fathom why I still want to be your friend. Why I want to talk to you and can't bare the thought of never talking to you again. I've never been one to speak highly of myself, but the last two lines I just wrote should say something.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Anger
I have been silent from the posts for bit now because I am angry beyond all compare. The one person who I thought I could trust most and who I thought had my back threw me under the bus. In a big way. There is no way to undo what you have done and the pain you have caused me. I'm not going to lie that I'm fine, over you, and forgiving of what you have done. I think it's perfectly acceptable to not be at that point yet. It's going to be a while. What I cannot fathom is how you are living life as if none of this is real. You're afraid to reveal your sin to others for the fear of man. It KILLS me to see you having an awesome time with your friends because I am banishing myself for this sin. I do not feel like I deserve to be happy or having fun having the sin on me that I do. This sin is going to be very difficult for me to accept that Christ has cleansed me of.
Everyone on this planet knows that you're emotionless and that whatever you are doing, which is nothing, isn't helping. I can't believe I cried over you and felt sorry for you. I regret standing up for you and having your back all of the times I did. The using me part was one thing, but lying to a detective about an incident and throwing me under the bus is crossing the line. You will never feel the pain I've felt or know the extent to which you hurt me. You took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable and what you did is unacceptable.
I'm unsure as to why it has taken me this long to see that you have only done things for yourself and to serve yourself. I'm not sure I even believe that you ever cared about me. Everyone always feels bad for you and now I've had enough of it. It's time to man up and admit your mistake. I can already tell that you don't have a clue about how wrong this was and how wrong you're handling it. I am at a loss for words. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, that the person I knew put on a front for me and all I saw was the first layer. I refrain from calling your image 'fake' because that word is very hurtful. However, I never ever thought that all of this would happen, especially from you.
A close friend said, "It's become very clear to me and everyone else that he doesn't care about you and is keeping you around for when his plan doesn't work out." Very hard words to hear, However, it's what I needed to hear.
But here I am not hating you and still hoping to be friends in the future. And promising that I will always love you. I've never felt good enough for you and your actions have proved it. Maybe it's time that I listen to the wisdom of my friends and have some faith in myself, but more importantly have some faith in God to bring me out of this and into the person that I'm supposed to be; not the person I was with you. I'm trying so hard to find my way back but I keep thinking about you. Everything is about you, and I can't make it stop. The thing that kills me the most is that I can already feel you forgetting me. By the kind of friendship we had this shouldn't be the case.
This is me trying to change. To believe it other must see it. I have had boundless amounts of grace for you for 5 years. If in 5 years you're still the same person then this was all a lie and I once again give you pity. Please prove me wrong.
Everyone on this planet knows that you're emotionless and that whatever you are doing, which is nothing, isn't helping. I can't believe I cried over you and felt sorry for you. I regret standing up for you and having your back all of the times I did. The using me part was one thing, but lying to a detective about an incident and throwing me under the bus is crossing the line. You will never feel the pain I've felt or know the extent to which you hurt me. You took advantage of me when I was most vulnerable and what you did is unacceptable.
I'm unsure as to why it has taken me this long to see that you have only done things for yourself and to serve yourself. I'm not sure I even believe that you ever cared about me. Everyone always feels bad for you and now I've had enough of it. It's time to man up and admit your mistake. I can already tell that you don't have a clue about how wrong this was and how wrong you're handling it. I am at a loss for words. I feel like I don't even know you anymore, that the person I knew put on a front for me and all I saw was the first layer. I refrain from calling your image 'fake' because that word is very hurtful. However, I never ever thought that all of this would happen, especially from you.
A close friend said, "It's become very clear to me and everyone else that he doesn't care about you and is keeping you around for when his plan doesn't work out." Very hard words to hear, However, it's what I needed to hear.
But here I am not hating you and still hoping to be friends in the future. And promising that I will always love you. I've never felt good enough for you and your actions have proved it. Maybe it's time that I listen to the wisdom of my friends and have some faith in myself, but more importantly have some faith in God to bring me out of this and into the person that I'm supposed to be; not the person I was with you. I'm trying so hard to find my way back but I keep thinking about you. Everything is about you, and I can't make it stop. The thing that kills me the most is that I can already feel you forgetting me. By the kind of friendship we had this shouldn't be the case.
This is me trying to change. To believe it other must see it. I have had boundless amounts of grace for you for 5 years. If in 5 years you're still the same person then this was all a lie and I once again give you pity. Please prove me wrong.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
12/12/12
One year ago at 11:11pm on 11/11/11 I was sitting near the river in Philadelphia looking out on the water. The lights of the city glistened off the water and the air was frigid. I listened as my best friend poured out his past and past mistakes to me. Saying we had a 'heart-to-heart' sounds so cheesy but essentially that's what is was. Of course it being 11/11/11 we made our wishes at 11:11pm just like almost every other 11:11, except of course this was one was special. It was a great night. It really was.
Just a few months ago, I had said that we had to do something for 12:12pm on 12/12/12. We didn't think of anything but I was sure that we would have. Even just talking about it would have sufficed for me.
But here I am sitting at a computer at college, blogging about what I wish I could be doing right now.
My do things change.
Just a few months ago, I had said that we had to do something for 12:12pm on 12/12/12. We didn't think of anything but I was sure that we would have. Even just talking about it would have sufficed for me.
But here I am sitting at a computer at college, blogging about what I wish I could be doing right now.
My do things change.
Finals Shminals
I guess I should post about something other than what I've been posting about. However, this one will be almost as depressing as the past ones so if you are in a great mood I suggest you just stop reading right now, but if you're depressed and sad, read on!
It's finals week here at good ole Widener University. Yesterday I took my math and English finals, which were CAKE. Today I took my Biology final which just straight up raped me, my mind is blown from it. I'm not even sure we went over half the material on it. In 4 hours I take my French final and I let me tell you, I am contemplating not going... French scares me, even though I'm not awful at it, this year has been rough. I need some kind of motivational pep-talk before I go in there or something, so if you can think of anything, anything at all, send them my way.
So after I fail my two finals for the day I get to go on winter break, sweet reward. A bittersweet reward though, since my only distractions are coming to an end. I am psyched.
If you're reading this and saying to yourself, "wow she is just one big negative Nancy." You're right. I'm not really sure I can help it anymore, sorry. I'm trying to be happy, I really am. It's just not there. Especially not after last night.
It's finals week here at good ole Widener University. Yesterday I took my math and English finals, which were CAKE. Today I took my Biology final which just straight up raped me, my mind is blown from it. I'm not even sure we went over half the material on it. In 4 hours I take my French final and I let me tell you, I am contemplating not going... French scares me, even though I'm not awful at it, this year has been rough. I need some kind of motivational pep-talk before I go in there or something, so if you can think of anything, anything at all, send them my way.
So after I fail my two finals for the day I get to go on winter break, sweet reward. A bittersweet reward though, since my only distractions are coming to an end. I am psyched.
If you're reading this and saying to yourself, "wow she is just one big negative Nancy." You're right. I'm not really sure I can help it anymore, sorry. I'm trying to be happy, I really am. It's just not there. Especially not after last night.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Tu Me Manques
If you couldn't already tell I speak French. I'm not yet fluent but I like to think I'm almost there. Tu me manques is one of my favorite sayings in French because it doesn't mean "I miss you". It means "you are missing from me" which in my opinion, is beautiful.
This all feels like a dream. A dream where I'm trying so hard to wake myself up but it isn't working. It all just happened so fast and I don't want to pretend that the last 4 years didn't happen. It doesn't feel real because I don't want to believe it. But I know I have to because God's plan for me is far greater than anything I could ever imagine.
I'm always one to tell people, "don't care what other people think!" but I'm so scared that you'll forget about me. To get past this, I guess I really shouldn't be thinking this way but I can't help it. It seriously scares me.
I am thankful that this week is finals because they are the only distraction I have right now to keep myself sane. However, after tomorrow, I'm finished classes until the 24th of January... And here I go again always thinking ahead and of the future. Sometimes that can get me into trouble but it's not entirely a bad thing, right? Sometimes the future scares me, not always, but definitely this time.
This all feels like a dream. A dream where I'm trying so hard to wake myself up but it isn't working. It all just happened so fast and I don't want to pretend that the last 4 years didn't happen. It doesn't feel real because I don't want to believe it. But I know I have to because God's plan for me is far greater than anything I could ever imagine.
I'm always one to tell people, "don't care what other people think!" but I'm so scared that you'll forget about me. To get past this, I guess I really shouldn't be thinking this way but I can't help it. It seriously scares me.
I am thankful that this week is finals because they are the only distraction I have right now to keep myself sane. However, after tomorrow, I'm finished classes until the 24th of January... And here I go again always thinking ahead and of the future. Sometimes that can get me into trouble but it's not entirely a bad thing, right? Sometimes the future scares me, not always, but definitely this time.
Time Heals All Wounds, right?
The only thing that is helping me right now is writing these posts. So I'll continue to write even if I do have 5 followers...
I'm not myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so thankful that 2012 is coming to an end. I definitely have made some big mistakes. These mistakes have come with consequences and I am facing them as I speak. I'm struggling to post sappy Taylor Swift lyrics or post meaningful bible verses full of life and truth. Both are very applicable. My head has been down for a long time and I am too ashamed to pick it up. I've lied, deceived, and betrayed some people very close to me. I finally told my mom, and she responded in the exact opposite way that I had imagined she would. Before I had told her things were bad, very bad. And I had a great deal of anger in me a lot more than I should have.
We've tried to back off before, and it hasn't worked. A good friend said this, "You and ___ have tried this before, it seems very clear what God wants you to do in this situation. Since neither of you have been able to do it, God has done it for you. Please see the truth and care in that". And he is absolutely right. It's time I put ALL of me into Jesus and not just a part. There's a space in my heart missing, and it's missing a part because I've tried to stuff you into it. You fell out. Now, I need to put Jesus into it. Letting go of you is the hardest thing I've had to do.
Everything I do reminds me of you. I thought taking a break from Facebook would be the solution but I was clearly kidding myself. There's no doubt that this sucks, none but I don't want to miss you like this, or need you like this- and you're the one who is making me miss and need you like this because you were there for everything. And I wouldn't take that back for a second, don't get me wrong but when you walk away like this, I'm left with very little. I find myself switching between anger and sadness when writing these posts. So I often end up taking five minutes just to write out a whole sentence because I am refraining from posting my anger, for now.
For a long time, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. And this is the next thing from confessing that I feel God talking to me directly. Clearly, I have put you before him and this is Him telling me that needed to change.
::
Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.
~Samuel Rodigast
I'm not myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so thankful that 2012 is coming to an end. I definitely have made some big mistakes. These mistakes have come with consequences and I am facing them as I speak. I'm struggling to post sappy Taylor Swift lyrics or post meaningful bible verses full of life and truth. Both are very applicable. My head has been down for a long time and I am too ashamed to pick it up. I've lied, deceived, and betrayed some people very close to me. I finally told my mom, and she responded in the exact opposite way that I had imagined she would. Before I had told her things were bad, very bad. And I had a great deal of anger in me a lot more than I should have.
We've tried to back off before, and it hasn't worked. A good friend said this, "You and ___ have tried this before, it seems very clear what God wants you to do in this situation. Since neither of you have been able to do it, God has done it for you. Please see the truth and care in that". And he is absolutely right. It's time I put ALL of me into Jesus and not just a part. There's a space in my heart missing, and it's missing a part because I've tried to stuff you into it. You fell out. Now, I need to put Jesus into it. Letting go of you is the hardest thing I've had to do.
Everything I do reminds me of you. I thought taking a break from Facebook would be the solution but I was clearly kidding myself. There's no doubt that this sucks, none but I don't want to miss you like this, or need you like this- and you're the one who is making me miss and need you like this because you were there for everything. And I wouldn't take that back for a second, don't get me wrong but when you walk away like this, I'm left with very little. I find myself switching between anger and sadness when writing these posts. So I often end up taking five minutes just to write out a whole sentence because I am refraining from posting my anger, for now.
For a long time, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. And this is the next thing from confessing that I feel God talking to me directly. Clearly, I have put you before him and this is Him telling me that needed to change.
::
Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.
~Samuel Rodigast
Sunday, December 9, 2012
I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now
I wish I could take back all of the fighting, all of the arguments and all of the times I acted like a fool. My reasons for doubting you look a little more reasonable now. I'm not going to pretend I'm okay to give you the satisfaction of knowing I miss you. You know that is a fact without reading any of these posts. I usually don't wear my heart on my sleeve but this time I'm making an exception. A part of me hopes you are reading this right this second but another part of me hopes you never see it. I don't think I'll ever know though, which is okay with me.
I have sad songs constantly on repeat, I have no desire to eat, I can't sleep, and this rainy weather doesn't help much. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or making myself this way. Listening to sad songs and trying to sleep are the only things that feel right. I guess writing these posts do too because they kind of help in getting my emotions out. I just want to be alone. And hope I can make time speed up. The downside to that is, I think time is my only option right now. I just need to somehow convince myself that time is working with me and not against me.
I keep repeating a Taylor Swift line in my head, that I can't help thinking might have been true...
"And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it all up..."
I'm trying to see the good in this, I really am. I know God's plan is better than my own. It's hard to see it right now because it has just begun. This happened for a reason, and I think I know what that reason is since I couldn't do it myself so God did it for me. I'll just have to trust in that and wait.
But... no one likes waiting.
I have sad songs constantly on repeat, I have no desire to eat, I can't sleep, and this rainy weather doesn't help much. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or making myself this way. Listening to sad songs and trying to sleep are the only things that feel right. I guess writing these posts do too because they kind of help in getting my emotions out. I just want to be alone. And hope I can make time speed up. The downside to that is, I think time is my only option right now. I just need to somehow convince myself that time is working with me and not against me.
I keep repeating a Taylor Swift line in my head, that I can't help thinking might have been true...
"And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it all up..."
I'm trying to see the good in this, I really am. I know God's plan is better than my own. It's hard to see it right now because it has just begun. This happened for a reason, and I think I know what that reason is since I couldn't do it myself so God did it for me. I'll just have to trust in that and wait.
But... no one likes waiting.
This is Probably a "sub-blog"
I'm not sure how to start this post. I'll probably jump a round a lot and write like you know all the details to my situation. Here goes... (I warned you)
It feels like days since I wrote my last post. Time feels like it's moving quicker than ever but I only wrote my post a little over 1 day ago. None of this feels real yet and I'm not sure why, because it definitely is. For now, I have finals week coming up. However, I have three finals which only occupy two days of the next week. After they're over I will have close to zero distractions to take my mind off of this. I don't expect to move past this quickly at all. In fact, I don't expect anything at all.
I've been dependent on you for so long and then you pick up your things, leave, and throw me away. It feels like I have no where to turn. You know my circumstances and how much they suck. I tried to keep that out of my mind when this all started but it has crumbled faster than I ever imagined. I had to delete my Facebook. I can't bear to look at the things you post of the awesome adventures in your life. None of which I can be a part of anymore. Maybe you can help me because I'm a little confused... If you carry the majority of the weight of this why am I practically dying over here while you're out having the time of your life? If your reasons for doing this, are legitimate, why are you hanging out with a girl you like? Is she not a temptation for you? Sin cannot be beaten by hanging around self desires.
I feel like our whole friendship was a lie.
I struggle with the thought of not being good enough, pretty much for anything or anyone. And especially with this weight on my back. I can't lift my head or stare certain people in the eyes. But you can?
More than a few people are baffled that I don't hate you and want to still be friends with you. They're even more confused as to why I'm not angry with you. Now, I'd be lying if I said I had no anger towards you what-so-ever but I 100% do not hate you, and I don't think I ever could.
It feels like days since I wrote my last post. Time feels like it's moving quicker than ever but I only wrote my post a little over 1 day ago. None of this feels real yet and I'm not sure why, because it definitely is. For now, I have finals week coming up. However, I have three finals which only occupy two days of the next week. After they're over I will have close to zero distractions to take my mind off of this. I don't expect to move past this quickly at all. In fact, I don't expect anything at all.
I've been dependent on you for so long and then you pick up your things, leave, and throw me away. It feels like I have no where to turn. You know my circumstances and how much they suck. I tried to keep that out of my mind when this all started but it has crumbled faster than I ever imagined. I had to delete my Facebook. I can't bear to look at the things you post of the awesome adventures in your life. None of which I can be a part of anymore. Maybe you can help me because I'm a little confused... If you carry the majority of the weight of this why am I practically dying over here while you're out having the time of your life? If your reasons for doing this, are legitimate, why are you hanging out with a girl you like? Is she not a temptation for you? Sin cannot be beaten by hanging around self desires.
I feel like our whole friendship was a lie.
I struggle with the thought of not being good enough, pretty much for anything or anyone. And especially with this weight on my back. I can't lift my head or stare certain people in the eyes. But you can?
More than a few people are baffled that I don't hate you and want to still be friends with you. They're even more confused as to why I'm not angry with you. Now, I'd be lying if I said I had no anger towards you what-so-ever but I 100% do not hate you, and I don't think I ever could.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
It Started out with A Kiss How Did It End Up Like This?
I won't be offended if you just stop reading right now. Looking back on my previous posts I couldn't help but laugh at my writing. It's crazy to see how much my writing has changed and how naive I used to be, getting hung-up on every detail of life. Now, life is different. I feel lost, empty, and broken. So my next series of posts will be pretty depressing. Pray that light comes into my life and makes these posts a little brighter.
::
I know it's not my fault, but it takes two to tango, so they say... I have no motivation to do anything. I haven't eaten or slept in two full days. My best friend is gone and I feel more alone than ever before. He didn't die, but it almost feels like it, he's just gone for a long time. I didn't know that the human body could produce as many tears as I have recently shed, which is a lot. I kind of feel like I was slapped in the face. I say that because I was used and told I was used right to my face. And now I am being thrown away. I can't say that all of my anger is gone because that would be a lie. I have a lot of hurt in me which won't go away for a long time. This was all so sudden and I clearly wasn't prepared for it.
I'm cold and lonely and I have no where to turn. I am ashamed and filled with regret.
I miss you more than words can express. I want so badly to call you and hear your voice, I pray that I never forget what it sounds like. I am dreading the day we run into each other, but at the same time I can't wait for it.
I was finally starting to believe that you loved me and cared for me, why? I guess after all the fighting I decided to trust you. A lot of people have let me down, including you, and have hung me out to dry, but no one has ever made me feel like I was lovable. Except you. I filled with condemnation and shame that I can't bear the thought of anyone loving me. We screwed up. There's no doubt about that. I hope our souls can be fixed and filled with the spirit of God so we can move past this. And so that instead of depending on each other we can be dependent solely on God.
I can't bear the thought of never talking to you again- and when I do, I feel a pain in my chest. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
::
I know it's not my fault, but it takes two to tango, so they say... I have no motivation to do anything. I haven't eaten or slept in two full days. My best friend is gone and I feel more alone than ever before. He didn't die, but it almost feels like it, he's just gone for a long time. I didn't know that the human body could produce as many tears as I have recently shed, which is a lot. I kind of feel like I was slapped in the face. I say that because I was used and told I was used right to my face. And now I am being thrown away. I can't say that all of my anger is gone because that would be a lie. I have a lot of hurt in me which won't go away for a long time. This was all so sudden and I clearly wasn't prepared for it.
I'm cold and lonely and I have no where to turn. I am ashamed and filled with regret.
I miss you more than words can express. I want so badly to call you and hear your voice, I pray that I never forget what it sounds like. I am dreading the day we run into each other, but at the same time I can't wait for it.
I was finally starting to believe that you loved me and cared for me, why? I guess after all the fighting I decided to trust you. A lot of people have let me down, including you, and have hung me out to dry, but no one has ever made me feel like I was lovable. Except you. I filled with condemnation and shame that I can't bear the thought of anyone loving me. We screwed up. There's no doubt about that. I hope our souls can be fixed and filled with the spirit of God so we can move past this. And so that instead of depending on each other we can be dependent solely on God.
I can't bear the thought of never talking to you again- and when I do, I feel a pain in my chest. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Monday, September 24, 2012
i love you because
I love you because you give me butterflies.
I love you because you love me with no conditions.
I love you because with you I know the best is still ahead.
I love you because you know exactly what to say to make me smile.
I love you because you make me believe I'm amazing.
I love you because you bring out the best in me.
I love you because even though you know all my imperfections, you don't judge me.
I love you because you never give up on me.
I love you because you inspire me to follow my dreams.
I love you because you stay by my side through all my problems.
I love you because you make me feel safe.
I love you because you're not afraid to be yourself.
I love you because you're never afraid to say what needs to be said.
I love you because you are my best friend.
I love you because of who you are.
I love you because you're you.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
scared and afraid, so sue me.
I'm trying to figure out why I can't come out and straight up ask you. Of course I'm afraid but I would think that after 6 months of talking I would at least ask. That's because my confidence was shattered when I tried. And it sucks, because you've continued on and made me believe this was something it's not. Or maybe it is. I can't tell anymore.
Of course I want to know but I know you're not going to give me that unless I ask.
I have one group of people telling me to move on. It's not that simple.
And the other half telling me to flat out ask you, keep talking, or hint at it.
Honestly I don't know what to do, my brain isn't saying anything and my heart is a little beat up at this point so sue me if I don't know what to do.
That's why I'll ask all of you, what do I do.
Of course I want to know but I know you're not going to give me that unless I ask.
I have one group of people telling me to move on. It's not that simple.
And the other half telling me to flat out ask you, keep talking, or hint at it.
Honestly I don't know what to do, my brain isn't saying anything and my heart is a little beat up at this point so sue me if I don't know what to do.
That's why I'll ask all of you, what do I do.
College smollage
senior year. It has a funny ring to it. Freshman year I couldn't wait to get the hell out of high school and move onto college. I still feel the same way but slightly different.
Last year was my worst year as far as academics go and I would do ANYTHING to do it over. Coming into senior year I knew I would have to work my butt off for at least the first semester because my GPA needed a boost, but now I sit here at the end I the first marking period with 3 A's and 1 D. None of the A's matter anymore since the D was in AP Statistics and it matters a lot.
I have no idea what my GPA is but I also dont know where I'm going to college and you might say that it's okay but I haven't applied...anywhere. And time is running out. I sucked at my SAT'S the first time I took them, missed the deadline for the November ones and now I'm stuck taking them December third.
While all of my friends are getting accepted to universities I'm stuck fighting to get called down to my guidance counselor to talk about college and figure out what to do.
Nervous? That's an understatement, I would say scared.
Will I go to college? I don't even know anymore.
And you think I'm kidding.
Last year was my worst year as far as academics go and I would do ANYTHING to do it over. Coming into senior year I knew I would have to work my butt off for at least the first semester because my GPA needed a boost, but now I sit here at the end I the first marking period with 3 A's and 1 D. None of the A's matter anymore since the D was in AP Statistics and it matters a lot.
I have no idea what my GPA is but I also dont know where I'm going to college and you might say that it's okay but I haven't applied...anywhere. And time is running out. I sucked at my SAT'S the first time I took them, missed the deadline for the November ones and now I'm stuck taking them December third.
While all of my friends are getting accepted to universities I'm stuck fighting to get called down to my guidance counselor to talk about college and figure out what to do.
Nervous? That's an understatement, I would say scared.
Will I go to college? I don't even know anymore.
And you think I'm kidding.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Prove it.
I'm trying. I really am. I promise I'm not gonna pretend like this was something when you're not even acknowledging me anymore. Probably simple because you don't care anymore, which at this point, is fine.
I'm tired of trying when you're not gonna put any effort in. I just wish we could switch places so you could see how much it sucks to be in my position right now in our situation. I used to find it funny because I was mad. I can honestly say I'm not mad, I'm confused, stressed, and confused again. You have made this into something it's clearly not. I realize your heart has been broken before and I respect that because I've been there.
I highly doubt that you know whats been said to me. It's 4 simple words that mean a lot. "you're not good enough." imagine having that said to your face. And let me tell you it's not the best feeling.
But you don't have to know that, if you show me you care maybe I'll share it. But I can't be the girl you're gonna come back to when you come home . It's too late for that.
Maybe if you show that you care, like I thought you did, I would be feeling different. And it sucks to know that you don't even know how I feel and how much it kills me, how much I'm hurting and how much it's eating me alive.
You care about me? Prove it.
I'm tired of trying when you're not gonna put any effort in. I just wish we could switch places so you could see how much it sucks to be in my position right now in our situation. I used to find it funny because I was mad. I can honestly say I'm not mad, I'm confused, stressed, and confused again. You have made this into something it's clearly not. I realize your heart has been broken before and I respect that because I've been there.
I highly doubt that you know whats been said to me. It's 4 simple words that mean a lot. "you're not good enough." imagine having that said to your face. And let me tell you it's not the best feeling.
But you don't have to know that, if you show me you care maybe I'll share it. But I can't be the girl you're gonna come back to when you come home . It's too late for that.
Maybe if you show that you care, like I thought you did, I would be feeling different. And it sucks to know that you don't even know how I feel and how much it kills me, how much I'm hurting and how much it's eating me alive.
You care about me? Prove it.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Listen you.
If you're reading this you must be incredibly bored because you're sitting here reading my lame posts that have no meaning unless you know what I'm talking about. I had a somewhat change of heart since yesterday, I know I know hard to believe but it's true.
I went out for coffee with two of my friends and was set back for a minute to look at the good time I was having. I shouldn't let anyone bring me down especially not him who shall be named or who I haven't even named. But if he's reading this he knows it's about him. Or doesn't since he's completely oblivious to everything and anything anymore.
I shouldn't make someone my priority if I'm not one of theirs. You may be thinking well duh...why are you just figuring this out now? And honestly I couldn't tell you. I was probably blinded by my own desires and not focusing on the bigger picture. I can't have my life sidelined by waiting around for him all the time or wishing things were different. So until you talk to me, have a nice life.
I'm done being second best. Or third or last.
You led me on from the beginning, told me what you wanted yet continued on to your leading ways. The truth is, I can't do it anymore. It's tearing me apart and it's time for me to be happy for once. I can't keep waiting around for something that may never happen.
Yes, I am a chicken for not talking to you. But with texting you first comes along with more waiting and guilt and wandering thoughts.
You're probably one of the nicest people I've become friends with but if you're gonna treat me like we're something more when you're clearly not ready? I can't do it.
No I'm not being selfish, for once, I'm doing something for me.
"it's hard to wait around for something you
know will never happen, but it's even harder
to stop waiting when you know it's everything
you want."
I went out for coffee with two of my friends and was set back for a minute to look at the good time I was having. I shouldn't let anyone bring me down especially not him who shall be named or who I haven't even named. But if he's reading this he knows it's about him. Or doesn't since he's completely oblivious to everything and anything anymore.
I shouldn't make someone my priority if I'm not one of theirs. You may be thinking well duh...why are you just figuring this out now? And honestly I couldn't tell you. I was probably blinded by my own desires and not focusing on the bigger picture. I can't have my life sidelined by waiting around for him all the time or wishing things were different. So until you talk to me, have a nice life.
I'm done being second best. Or third or last.
You led me on from the beginning, told me what you wanted yet continued on to your leading ways. The truth is, I can't do it anymore. It's tearing me apart and it's time for me to be happy for once. I can't keep waiting around for something that may never happen.
Yes, I am a chicken for not talking to you. But with texting you first comes along with more waiting and guilt and wandering thoughts.
You're probably one of the nicest people I've become friends with but if you're gonna treat me like we're something more when you're clearly not ready? I can't do it.
No I'm not being selfish, for once, I'm doing something for me.
"it's hard to wait around for something you
know will never happen, but it's even harder
to stop waiting when you know it's everything
you want."
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
wish you were reading this.
There's so many questions that are left unanswered. And believe me if I knew the answers I would tell you but I don't. I don't know anything anymore and it's beginning to become frustrating, heck it's been frustrating since June. You probably have no idea what I'm even talking about and neither does he which is somewhat okay. There's just going to have to be a point somewhere down the road when you tell me what's going on or when I'll have to act like the bad guy and confront you. There's definitely a bigger probability that you'll have to go first.
Because I'm scared.
of rejection,
humiliation,
embarrassment,
and for our friendship.
I realize things take time but how long is too long? or long enough? I've honestly come to the conclusion that i have no idea anymore. It's that simple; I don't know.
So I'll stay here, depressed, annoyed, and waiting.
That's what I hate the most, waiting around for you. And you probably know I always am.
wish you were reading this.
Friday, August 26, 2011
i could never send this letter.
Dear Mom,
Please remember that I'm 17 and not 5. I respect you, but I want you to understand me.
love abby.
Please remember that I'm 17 and not 5. I respect you, but I want you to understand me.
love abby.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
seriously?
It's literally not that hard to open up.
Things can seem scary at the time but in reality you have to take a chance and not worry about the outcome. It's getting to that point where things are going to change.. Truth is I'm scared too and have never been good at these things. You may have no idea what im talking about or even who but I need to put it out there.
Recently i can't stop reading quotes off twitter and i think they're worthy to be on here too. Cheesy? I dont care anymore.
"If you choose to build a wall around your heart, make it low enough for love to climb over".
"Silence is a girls loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you".
"I'm sorry I mistook all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts &inside jokes as you caring. I'll think twice before wasting my time again".
And one of my favorites:
"My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you, it was thinking you had fallen for me too".
love, abby.
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