Tu Me Manques

If you couldn't already tell I speak French. I'm not yet fluent but I like to think I'm almost there. Tu me manques is one of my favorite sayings in French because it doesn't mean "I miss you". It means "you are missing from me" which in my opinion, is beautiful.

This all feels like a dream. A dream where I'm trying so hard to wake myself up but it isn't working. It all just happened so fast and I don't want to pretend that the last 4 years didn't happen. It doesn't feel real because I don't want to believe it. But I know I have to because God's plan for me is far greater than anything I could ever imagine.

I'm always one to tell people, "don't care what other people think!" but I'm so scared that you'll forget about me. To get past this, I guess I really shouldn't be thinking this way but I can't help it. It seriously scares me.
I am thankful that this week is finals because they are the only distraction I have right now to keep myself sane. However, after tomorrow, I'm finished classes until the 24th of January... And here I go again always thinking ahead and of the future. Sometimes that can get me into trouble but it's not entirely a bad thing, right? Sometimes the future scares me, not always, but definitely this time.

Time Heals All Wounds, right?

The only thing that is helping me right now is writing these posts. So I'll continue to write even if I do have 5 followers...

I'm not myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so thankful that 2012 is coming to an end. I definitely have made some big mistakes. These mistakes have come with consequences and I am facing them as I speak. I'm struggling to post sappy Taylor Swift lyrics or post meaningful bible verses full of life and truth. Both are very applicable. My head has been down for a long time and I am too ashamed to pick it up. I've lied, deceived, and betrayed some people very close to me. I finally told my mom, and she responded in the exact opposite way that I had imagined she would. Before I had told her things were bad, very bad. And I had a great deal of anger in me a lot more than I should have.

We've tried to back off before, and it hasn't worked. A good friend said this, "You and ___ have tried this before, it seems very clear what God wants you to do in this situation. Since neither of you have been able to do it, God has done it for you. Please see the truth and care in that". And he is absolutely right. It's time I put ALL of me into Jesus and not just a part. There's a space in my heart missing, and it's missing a part because I've tried to stuff you into it. You fell out. Now, I need to put Jesus into it. Letting go of you is the hardest thing I've had to do.

Everything I do reminds me of you. I thought taking a break from Facebook would be the solution but I was clearly kidding myself. There's no doubt that this sucks, none but I don't want to miss you like this, or need you like this- and you're the one who is making me miss and need you like this because you were there for everything. And I wouldn't take that back for a second, don't get me wrong but when you walk away like this, I'm left with very little. I find myself switching between anger and sadness when writing these posts. So I often end up taking five minutes just to write out a whole sentence because I am refraining from posting my anger, for now.

For a long time, I have felt that God has been silent in my life. And this is the next thing from confessing that I feel God talking to me directly. Clearly, I have put you before him and this is Him telling me that needed to change.
::

Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

~Samuel Rodigast

I Could Really Use a Wish Right Now

I wish I could take back all of the fighting, all of the arguments and all of the times I acted like a fool. My reasons for doubting you look a little more reasonable now. I'm not going to pretend I'm okay to give you the satisfaction of knowing I miss you. You know that is a fact without reading any of these posts. I usually don't wear my heart on my sleeve but this time I'm making an exception. A part of me hopes you are reading this right this second but another part of me hopes you never see it. I don't think I'll ever know though, which is okay with me.

I have sad songs constantly on repeat, I have no desire to eat, I can't sleep, and this rainy weather doesn't help much. I'm not feeling sorry for myself or making myself this way. Listening to sad songs and trying to sleep are the only things that feel right. I guess writing these posts do too because they kind of help in getting my emotions out. I just want to be alone. And hope I can make time speed up. The downside to that is, I think time is my only option right now. I just need to somehow convince myself that time is working with me and not against me.

I keep repeating a Taylor Swift line in my head, that I can't help thinking might have been true...

"And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it all up..."

I'm trying to see the good in this, I really am. I know God's plan is better than my own. It's hard to see it right now because it has just begun. This happened for a reason, and I think I know what that reason is since I couldn't do it myself so God did it for me. I'll just have to trust in that and wait.

But... no one likes waiting.

This is Probably a "sub-blog"

I'm not sure how to start this post. I'll probably jump a round a lot and write like you know all the details to my situation. Here goes... (I warned you)

It feels like days since I wrote my last post. Time feels like it's moving quicker than ever but I only wrote my post a little over 1 day ago. None of this feels real yet and I'm not sure why, because it definitely is. For now, I have finals week coming up. However, I have three finals which only occupy two days of the next week. After they're over I will have close to zero distractions to take my mind off of this. I don't expect to move past this quickly at all. In fact, I don't expect anything at all.

I've been dependent on you for so long and then you pick up your things, leave, and throw me away. It feels like I have no where to turn. You know my circumstances and how much they suck. I tried to keep that out of my mind when this all started but it has crumbled faster than I ever imagined. I had to delete my Facebook. I can't bear to look at the things you post of the awesome adventures in your life. None of which I can be a part of anymore. Maybe you can help me because I'm a little confused... If you carry the majority of the weight of this why am I practically dying over here while you're out having the time of your life? If your reasons for doing this, are legitimate, why are you hanging out with a girl you like? Is she not a temptation for you? Sin cannot be beaten by hanging around self desires.

I feel like our whole friendship was a lie.

I struggle with the thought of not being good enough, pretty much for anything or anyone. And especially with this weight on my back. I can't lift my head or stare certain people in the eyes. But you can?

More than a few people are baffled that I don't hate you and want to still be friends with you. They're even more confused as to why I'm not angry with you. Now, I'd be lying if I said I had no anger towards you what-so-ever but I 100% do not hate you, and I don't think I ever could.

Pretty Much Explains Itself

Take a listen:

It Started out with A Kiss How Did It End Up Like This?

I won't be offended if you just stop reading right now. Looking back on my previous posts I couldn't help but laugh at my writing. It's crazy to see how much my writing has changed and how naive I used to be, getting hung-up on every detail of life. Now, life is different. I feel lost, empty, and broken. So my next series of posts will be pretty depressing. Pray that light comes into my life and makes these posts a little brighter.
::

I know it's not my fault, but it takes two to tango, so they say... I have no motivation to do anything. I haven't eaten or slept in two full days. My best friend is gone and I feel more alone than ever before. He didn't die, but it almost feels like it, he's just gone for a long time. I didn't know that the human body could produce as many tears as I have recently shed, which is a lot. I kind of feel like I was slapped in the face. I say that because I was used and told I was used right to my face. And now I am being thrown away. I can't say that all of my anger is gone because that would be a lie. I have a lot of hurt in me which won't go away for a long time. This was all so sudden and I clearly wasn't prepared for it.

I'm cold and lonely and I have no where to turn. I am ashamed and filled with regret.
I miss you more than words can express. I want so badly to call you and hear your voice, I pray that I never forget what it sounds like. I am dreading the day we run into each other, but at the same time I can't wait for it.

I was finally starting to believe that you loved me and cared for me, why? I guess after all the fighting I decided to trust you. A lot of people have let me down, including you, and have hung me out to dry, but no one has ever made me feel like I was lovable. Except you. I filled with condemnation and shame that I can't bear the thought of anyone loving me. We screwed up. There's no doubt about that. I hope our souls can be fixed and filled with the spirit of God so we can move past this. And so that instead of depending on each other we can be dependent solely on God.

I can't bear the thought of never talking to you again- and when I do, I feel a pain in my chest. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

i love you because

I love you because you give me butterflies. I love you because you love me with no conditions. I love you because with you I know the best is still ahead. I love you because you know exactly what to say to make me smile. I love you because you make me believe I'm amazing. I love you because you bring out the best in me. I love you because even though you know all my imperfections, you don't judge me. I love you because you never give up on me. I love you because you inspire me to follow my dreams. I love you because you stay by my side through all my problems. I love you because you make me feel safe. I love you because you're not afraid to be yourself. I love you because you're never afraid to say what needs to be said. I love you because you are my best friend. I love you because of who you are. I love you because you're you.

scared and afraid, so sue me.

I'm trying to figure out why I can't come out and straight up ask you. Of course I'm afraid but I would think that after 6 months of talking I would at least ask. That's because my confidence was shattered when I tried. And it sucks, because you've continued on and made me believe this was something it's not. Or maybe it is. I can't tell anymore.

Of course I want to know but I know you're not going to give me that unless I ask.

I have one group of people telling me to move on. It's not that simple.

And the other half telling me to flat out ask you, keep talking, or hint at it.

Honestly I don't know what to do, my brain isn't saying anything and my heart is a little beat up at this point so sue me if I don't know what to do.

That's why I'll ask all of you, what do I do.

College smollage

senior year. It has a funny ring to it. Freshman year I couldn't wait to get the hell out of high school and move onto college. I still feel the same way but slightly different.
Last year was my worst year as far as academics go and I would do ANYTHING to do it over. Coming into senior year I knew I would have to work my butt off for at least the first semester because my GPA needed a boost, but now I sit here at the end I the first marking period with 3 A's and 1 D. None of the A's matter anymore since the D was in AP Statistics and it matters a lot.

I have no idea what my GPA is but I also dont know where I'm going to college and you might say that it's okay but I haven't applied...anywhere. And time is running out. I sucked at my SAT'S the first time I took them, missed the deadline for the November ones and now I'm stuck taking them December third.

While all of my friends are getting accepted to universities I'm stuck fighting to get called down to my guidance counselor to talk about college and figure out what to do.

Nervous? That's an understatement, I would say scared.

Will I go to college? I don't even know anymore.





And you think I'm kidding.

Prove it.

I'm trying. I really am. I promise I'm not gonna pretend like this was something when you're not even acknowledging me anymore. Probably simple because you don't care anymore, which at this point, is fine.

I'm tired of trying when you're not gonna put any effort in. I just wish we could switch places so you could see how much it sucks to be in my position right now in our situation. I used to find it funny because I was mad. I can honestly say I'm not mad, I'm confused, stressed, and confused again. You have made this into something it's clearly not. I realize your heart has been broken before and I respect that because I've been there.

I highly doubt that you know whats been said to me. It's 4 simple words that mean a lot. "you're not good enough." imagine having that said to your face. And let me tell you it's not the best feeling.
But you don't have to know that, if you show me you care maybe I'll share it. But I can't be the girl you're gonna come back to when you come home . It's too late for that.

Maybe if you show that you care, like I thought you did, I would be feeling different. And it sucks to know that you don't even know how I feel and how much it kills me, how much I'm hurting and how much it's eating me alive.

You care about me? Prove it.

Listen you.

If you're reading this you must be incredibly bored because you're sitting here reading my lame posts that have no meaning unless you know what I'm talking about. I had a somewhat change of heart since yesterday, I know I know hard to believe but it's true.

I went out for coffee with two of my friends and was set back for a minute to look at the good time I was having. I shouldn't let anyone bring me down especially not him who shall be named or who I haven't even named. But if he's reading this he knows it's about him. Or doesn't since he's completely oblivious to everything and anything anymore.
I shouldn't make someone my priority if I'm not one of theirs. You may be thinking well duh...why are you just figuring this out now? And honestly I couldn't tell you. I was probably blinded by my own desires and not focusing on the bigger picture. I can't have my life sidelined by waiting around for him all the time or wishing things were different. So until you talk to me, have a nice life.

I'm done being second best. Or third or last.

You led me on from the beginning, told me what you wanted yet continued on to your leading ways. The truth is, I can't do it anymore. It's tearing me apart and it's time for me to be happy for once. I can't keep waiting around for something that may never happen.
Yes, I am a chicken for not talking to you. But with texting you first comes along with more waiting and guilt and wandering thoughts.

You're probably one of the nicest people I've become friends with but if you're gonna treat me like we're something more when you're clearly not ready? I can't do it.
No I'm not being selfish, for once, I'm doing something for me.


"it's hard to wait around for something you
know will never happen, but it's even harder
to stop waiting when you know it's everything
you want."

wish you were reading this.

There's so many questions that are left unanswered. And believe me if I knew the answers I would tell you but I don't. I don't know anything anymore and it's beginning to become frustrating, heck it's been frustrating since June. You probably have no idea what I'm even talking about and neither does he which is somewhat okay. There's just going to have to be a point somewhere down the road when you tell me what's going on or when I'll have to act like the bad guy and confront you. There's definitely a bigger probability that you'll have to go first.
Because I'm scared.
of rejection,
humiliation,
embarrassment,
and for our friendship.

I realize things take time but how long is too long? or long enough? I've honestly come to the conclusion that i have no idea anymore. It's that simple; I don't know.

So I'll stay here, depressed, annoyed, and waiting.
That's what I hate the most, waiting around for you. And you probably know I always am.

wish you were reading this.

i could never send this letter.

Dear Mom,
Please remember that I'm 17 and not 5. I respect you, but I want you to understand me.

love abby.

seriously?

It's literally not that hard to open up.
Things can seem scary at the time but in reality you have to take a chance and not worry about the outcome. It's getting to that point where things are going to change.. Truth is I'm scared too and have never been good at these things. You may have no idea what im talking about or even who but I need to put it out there.
Recently i can't stop reading quotes off twitter and i think they're worthy to be on here too. Cheesy? I dont care anymore.

"If you choose to build a wall around your heart, make it low enough for love to climb over".

"Silence is a girls loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you".

"I'm sorry I mistook all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts &inside jokes as you caring. I'll think twice before wasting my time again".

And one of my favorites:
"My biggest mistake wasn't falling for you, it was thinking you had fallen for me too".


love, abby.

if you really knew me.

In my english class we did an activity based on the show "If You Really Knew Me" and it was anonymous. Mostly everyone put some serious stuff that made us hold our breath. Some of them were, If you really knew me you would know that,

"My family makes 8 million dollars a year." i go to public school.... haha.

"I spent some time in a mental institute."

"I am seeking help for suicidal depression."

They got pretty scary, and sad. So I decided to do one on here.

If you really knew me

you would know that,

-I don't look in the mirror in school.

-I hate my hair.

-I have been called fat. Therefore I am one of the most self-conscious people you will ever meet.

-I've never spoken to my dad.

-I cry at movies that have father-daughter dances. Best example is "What A Girl Wants"

-I've never had a cigarette or smoked weed, nor will I ever do either.

-I hate on myself a lot.

-I can't wait for college.

-I think waay too much before i go to bed.

-I wish I was prettier.

-I have made the same wish on 11:11 for the past week.

-My mom and I fight just about everyday, if not more.

-I never think Im good enough.

-I feel as If Im living two lives.

-I made varsity freshman year only to get moved down sophmore year because jv wasn't doing good. Explain that one.

-After I was moved down, I cried.

-Things are never perfect.

love abby.

we wish we knew, atleast i do.

the hair on your arms sticks up and you feel your heart start to drop. you want to smile and everything to go the way you want. but it doesn't always.
you will probably figure out what this post is about if you haven't already by the end.

it's hard to understand why he doesn't tell you or know exactly what you want him to say. maybe you have to tell him first, something i am not the best at. it kills you inside and drops hints everywhere. they're probably blatantly obvious but he doesn't see.
it's hard to deal with your feelings inside and wondering what he thinks of you. it's hard to wait, because you never really know, at least i don't.
falling asleep at night makes you think too much and wonder and dream of scenario's that dance in your head and won't leave you alone, at least mine won't.
it's hard to watch other girls and hope that he is thinking of you, otherwise it makes you feel uneasy.

i get butterflies and a big smile, self-conscious at times because i worry too much.
i hope i look okay and there isn't anything in my teeth. hopefully you notice the outfit i chose to wear and tried to make my hair perfect, hopefully.

love, abby.
"it's hard to wait around for something when you know it might never happen, but it's even harder to give it up when you know it's everything you want."

the way&you know how.

it's the way you smile, the way we danced, the way
you asked me to dance,
the way you make me laugh, the way you give me goosebumps.
it's the way you make me smile, the way you listen to my pointless stories,
the way you make me feel safe and warm.
it's the way you tell me i look pretty, the way you compliment me,
the way you talk to me, the way you flirt with me.
But you know how to confuse me.
you know how to make me smile and laugh and make me feel like you
like me.
you know how to walk away and get me confused, because one minute you
are walking with me then the next you run off.
you know how to make me think really hard if you do or not.

but i want you to tell me so i can stop wondering if you do.


love, abby.

homeschooler?

Wow it's been a long time, and it makes me thingk of how busy i've been, ugh.
But I went to the homeschoolers graduation this past sunday and it was really cool. Then all the juniors were talking about how they are going to be next and they wished i was graduationg with them, then I started thinking.

I have always wondered what it would be like if I was homeschooled. I always thought, "nah, I wouldn't be able to do it." But it stuck in my head and is still stuck in my head. It is scaring me a little bit. So lets take a step back... No one at school knows about my "other life" at church and with all my friends that I hangout with the most. Don't go thinking that I'm a loser at school and have no friends haha, I have friends but they are "school friends". Only a handful are ones that I hangout with. The rest of them I don't hangout with; because, all they do is smoke weed and drink on the weekends; especially during the summer. I obviously don't do that or want to be a part of it. Now take one more step back to about 3 weeks ago. My softball coach came up to me in church and said she saw me standing on a line. The line was dividing school and church, and in the center is God. I don't have to pick a side but it would be easier because it would make my focus on God.

Now come back to the graduation night. I had a feeling inside of me to ask God, what if I was homeschooled? Do I want to be? Because honestly, I think I have figured out that my real friends are the ones at church. I do have "real" friends from school but the true ones are at church. I've prayed for two nights to try and figure out if I am supossed to be homeschooled, and here's why...

I'm sick of being choked by collared shirts everyday for our uniform, Im sick of trying to impress everyone because thats just normal at public school. I hate having to wake up super early in the morning and doing the same routine every day. I hate being around all the profanity and innapropriate things that are talked about, which turn me into someone im not. It's hard to work with people you don't like, get made fun of, and deal with the things of the world that don't honor God. I feel trapped in a box at school knowing that im not honoring him and feeling awful about going along with the kids at school. For example, my first block class is english and my class is rough. I'm doing very well in the class,and when she puts us in groups I do all the work, and obviously that doesn't make me feel good.
I don't know why it's stuck in my head, I just need to be told what to do. I've come to the sense that theres two possibilities to becoming homeschooled.
The first is that it would be great, and I should have done it a long time ago. I would become a better person.
The second would be that it would be a huge mistake and I would be awful at it and get no work done. But I work well by myself because I can do the ideas that I want and there wouldn't be conflict.


signed, confused and seeking advice.

love, abby.

Falling to Pieces...

I woke up this morning and got ready for school and came downstairs to find that my dog suzie had eaten the string, (they're like bows) on my moccassins, great day to start out. MLIA. And then I get into the car and my mom told me to rub my blush in because i apparently had a line from it. Now she tells me to do this like everytime we got out somewhere, and it is getting on my nerves a lot. You would think that i notice because i do my makeup in the morning and i didn't see a line. Everytime she tells me to rub it in and it really cocky about it... And she started yelling at me because i apprently didn't rub it in enough, really mom? cool. So i shut the door of the car as i went into school and neither of us said a word to eachother.
And everytime i come home from school we email periodically until she gets home, usually about random stuff like what are you doing? whats for dinner? things like that. But this time she asked me if I got her text, so i got up and looked at the text that read something along the lines of," you're disrespect towards me is unaaceptable, no computer, phone or ipod this weekend." Then i sent her an email back apologizing about my attitude and how i get annoyed when she tells me that. And she said that we would talk about it tonight.

I went to the Amosland bingo night at my elementary school (: with my friend Jaclyn, and when i got home she's in bed asleep. And this is only at like 9:15 maybe. But she has been feeling sick so i'll give her that.
I am just sick of being in fights with my mom and they are never resolved. Things are always brushed off and acted as if it never even happened. And I think that is part of the reason that we fight so much. Shes almost all that I have, I mean i have my grandparents but they're not the best and thats a whole nother story to tell. I'm just unhappy and upset. Really the only thing cheering me up is my friends.

It's like things are slowly crumbling but you can't tell. There is just something that makes you think that and then your mind just starts to wonder about everything in your life and how many things are wrong with it and you wish they weren't and you still have faith that God will keep your head above the water because you gave yourself to him. It's like waiting for something that you have wanted for a long time but then you get it and it's not as good as you thought it would be or as good as you wanted it to be.
i just feel stuck and im trying so hard to get out but i can't; and thats why

i'm falling to pieces.

love, abby

It's 2010

Well it's been a long time since i last wrote, and the reasoning being that i had no desire to. i mean i always was thinking of good ideas that i could fit into a blog but never got around to doing it. I was so unmotivated and my thoughts on my life were that my life sucks.
It felt like my life was crumbling beneath me and i was doing something wrong. my family and i fight a lot and it's not pretty. especially with my mom. not having a dad takes a lot away from you. we live with my grandparents and when someone asks, i always say,"oh my grandparents live with me." even though it's the other way around. my mom and i fight often but what can i say we're eachothers best friend.

I wasn't doing well in school except for the easy classes. and i was paying for it. i was never focused and i was always tired, never motivated and very unhappy. i can honestly say that i am still unhappy but im doing better. it's hard feeling alone and like no one understands you. The last fight my mom and i had was ugly. it was about a snowboarding trip and she was being unreasonable in my point of view, though i didn't go i was pretty mad. the whole 35 or so minute ride home we didn't speak except for a brief 5 minute yelling period between us, then i was dropped off at home, and i was alone. i sat on the couch and i cried and cried and cried. it felt like she didn't care and i was trapped. i often do feel trapped. when seh got home she apologized and i accepted. it didn't change anything that i felt. before i went to bed i cried for a while and didn't get to sleep until maybe 2am.
No one knows what life is like for me, but don't get me wrong im not trying to get a guilt trip or find pity in myself. it's just not normal the way things have been going, and frankly it's freaking sucks. i am never home on the weekends always out with my friends and i never spend time with my school friends either. it's like i am in a world of my own but i didn't design it, someone else did and they made it miserable.

it's just not going well. although it's a whole lot better than it was...

love. abby